At times, I have felt at ease as a parent; those times when the day seems to flow naturally, the children are happy, and child meltdowns are easily diffused. There are other times when I have felt like I lost the battle. Most recently, with my 18-month-old son in my arms, I was unable to remove my screaming 3-year-old from the halls of the school. Other parents may relate to the teenager who appears closed off to any parent support or advice.
Noticing the language you use as a parent can be one way to decrease resistance and power struggles. I invite parents to notice when you use a verbal limit directed towards your children or teenager. A limit is set when the parent makes a demand of a behavior such as, “Put your jacket on.” When a child does not comply with that demand, then a power struggle can start. Simply saying something like, “I’m putting my jacket on now” or, “My expectation is that we wear our jackets outside in the winter” can decrease that power struggle.
Another way to reinforce positive behavior is to say, “You have such a nice jacket, it looks really great on you.”
Chores or homework can be other potential power struggle areas. Similar to the above example, saying, “Do your chores” sets the demand versus saying, “The first thing we do after school are chores.”
Even if the child does not comply to the chores in the second example, the parent hasn’t engaged in a power struggle, but instead is reminding the child of the expectations. If the child does not start doing chores, another way to decrease the struggle would be to say, “Interesting choice, I really like it when we get to go outside and play together after chores are done.”
For teenagers, say, “Interesting choice, when your chores are done you can go out with friends.”
Much can be said in the tone of voice used by a parent. Checking-in with your own stress level can be a supportive way to know when to choose the battles and what battles need to be fought. When parents are tired or stressed, it is easier to react with a demand, versus finding the language and tone of voice to address the behavior without setting a demand.
While these changes in communication can be helpful tools, one of the most important things a parent can do is spend quality time with their child and remind them that they are loved. As parents, it is often implied that we love our children and that we think our children are good kids. It can be important to your child and teenager to hear verbally that they are loved and that they are good.
Each month a local mental health therapist will discuss an area of mental health. This month’s contributor is Kelly Senty, MA, LPCC. Kelly is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor working in private practice at Steps of Change LLC.
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