A bustling two-story restaurant in a city center. On the mezzanine, ROB sees CUPID, 30s, black suit, white shirt, no tie, sitting at table overlooking the floor below. ROB: Excuse me. Cupid? CUPID: (loud whisper) Yeah, yeah. It’s me. Sit. Quick. Rob quickly sits across from him. Cupid sips from his half-full martini. R: (loud whisper) What’s… What’s going on?... READ MORE >
In which apologies to A.A. Milne are in order Very recently, Mùchén, a low-level but goodhearted Chinese administrator of very little brain in the Ministry of National Defense was admitted through a red door to the office of The Minister. “Good morning, Minister,” he said. “Good morning, Mùchén,” said The Minister. “I wonder if you’ve got such a thing as... READ MORE >
Recently my friend Chris suggested something radical: the Paper Plane. That got me thinking. There hasn’t been a hard-hitting piece on the paper plane in a long, long time. Maybe ever. Probably because any would-be writer fears his piece de resistance/fate would end up sailing through the sky. But I do not suffer from aerophobia, and I am quite comfortable... READ MORE >
January means colder weather which means we get to set things on fire! Okay. Best fire practices include a fire pit or, in my case, a fireplace. Otherwise, it’s arson. Which is bad. Unless you’re an arsonist. Then, I hear, it’s like, better than drugs good. Still illegal. But I guess some people can’t help themselves. Hence, prisons. On the... READ MORE >
Before I start, I want to clarify that I have no interest in royals. I do not read about royals in the newspapers or books. I do not watch shows or movies on royals. I do not believe there should even be royals. But other earthlings can’t get enough of the royals so “journalists” churn story after story out on... READ MORE >
The year is 1911. Newark, New Jersey. Plucky’s Playhouse – a toy making factory. Clarence, 40, enters the factory. He sees Arthur, 30, waiting patiently in the center of the room, standing beside a table. Passing many different toys, dolls, and games in various stages of development, Clarence crosses to Arthur and shakes his hand. Arthur: I’m telling you, Clarence,... READ MORE >
To write about a thing, like, say, I don’t know, hypothetically, an ode, you might really want to have an intimate knowledge of the thing. Or perhaps you might want to really get to know the thing, so you spend hours and days and weeks researching the thing. Or you might chat with experts, folks that spend their life studying... READ MORE >
This time of year, everyone’s talking about one thing: how much collective weight we put on in December. (I know I did my part.) On a not unrelated note, they’re also talking about New Year’s Resolutions or NYRs as no one calls them. The thing I like about NYRs is that they’re cheap. To quote Jim Belushi in Animal House... READ MORE >
Just what was 2022? Like many years that came before it, 2022 was also a year. But 2022 was different in that it was new. Many experts say 2022 was the newest year thus far. The years that came before 2022 – and this goes for all of the years – were old. They came and went. But 2022 seems... READ MORE >
Every year around this time, some well-meaning aunt sends my children an advent calendar. Not one of the cool, new, weird advent calendars. Not the advent calendars with booze or beauty products or fishing tackles or coffee or rocks or the one for your pet. (Fun Fact: If there currently isn’t enough friction in your marriage, you can even get... READ MORE >
