The last time I wrote this column, I shared some of the jewels from a book my friend Ev Fuller wrote before she died a few years ago. Ev struggled with physical and mental health issues most of her life, but her spirit was triumphant. Her book is chock-full of wisdom and good advice. Here are more of the valuable thoughts she shared in her book:
“I have learned …that you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life …that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel …that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have …that no matter how good a friend is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that …that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally differently.”
Ev was a strong advocate of renouncing unhealthy behaviors, which she did both when she quit drinking and when she kicked a 30-year smoking habit. She said smoking “was very expensive to me. It eventually would cost me my life.”
Feeling bad about oneself because of addictions isn’t helpful, however. “Get off the guilt trip and any feelings of shame you may be harboring,” Ev said. “These alone can keep you from your goal.”
Relationships
Ev learned a lot about making choices regarding her own attitude and behavior but realized that what other people do is up to them. “I allowed people to take advantage of me because I knew nothing about having healthy boundaries for myself,” she wrote. “We cannot make another’s choice for them, but we can choose how they affect us by walking away from the volcanoes when they erupt.”
Ev considered healthy self-concept, behavior, and relationships a sort of freedom. “Freedom is not just the right to live as I please; it is a privilege to live to fulfill my own potential. It is not living up to others’ expectations, nor is it setting my own personal goals higher than those I am able to attain. …Freedom is allowing others to live up to their own potential as well.
“…I feel it is better to be kind and compassionate as well as tolerant than it is to be right at any given time. If we give each other the benefit of the doubt, maybe we can find peace of mind and become healthier because of it.” Ev advocated “saying what I want to, but in a way whereby others do not get hurt.”
Do something positive
Trying to take shortcuts around difficulties “can be costly and very painful,” according to Ev. “In time my running has a way of catching up with me,” she wrote.
“Crossroads can be a real teaching tool. It is not always easy, but it is far better to do something rather than sit in the middle of the crossroads, moaning and groaning, and end up being run over by a big 18-wheeler!
“…Place your mind on the positive things in your life and put your hands to work doing something that’s good for you.”
Dealing with today
“Today stretches ahead of me, waiting to be shaped,” Ev wrote. “And here I am the sculptor who gets to do the shaping. …Today I can grumble about my health or I can rejoice that I am alive. Today I can lament over all my parents did not give me when I was growing up or I can be grateful that I was even born.
“…It seems like at different points I am just spinning my wheels, getting nowhere fast. This is when I know I must find time to stop and take stock of what I am doing, where I want my life to go, and seek out a way to get there.
“I cannot change the past but I can change today, and I already have,” Ev wrote. “Life has been more than just a challenge; it has been a lot of hard work, learning to live one day at a time. I have chosen to take what I have and turn it into good. It’s not without pain, but it is well worth everything I have had to go through to be where I am today.”
Copies of Ev’s book are available to borrow from the Grand Marais Public Library and the Human Development Center.
Each month a mental health therapist will discuss an area of mental health. This week’s contributor is Jane Howard, MSE, Licensed Psychologist and former Cook County News-Herald associate editor. Jane’s work has ranged from writing psychoeducational curricula and launching prevention programs to counseling homeless women in downtown Chicago and working with families on issues related to domestic violence and sexual abuse.
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