What is cool?

 

If one leads a long life, there are rites of passage in every man’s life wherein he must share the spotlight. A child’s first steps. First day at school. First time the kid tried to kill themselves by walking into the street without looking for cars. Fond memories, yes. But we don’t need Oedipus to tell us that these transitions can also be challenging.

I’ve been atop the pecking order for a long, long time. Decades in fact. I don’t need to stay here forever. I’m quite willing, when that day comes, to relinquish the throne voluntarily. I’ve had a good run. I fully expect that one day it will be time to step down. That said… let it be known that that day is not today.

I am not interested in a kid’s first job, girlfriend, wedding, or their first child. No, no. I’m interested in the moment when your kid first thinks they’re actually cooler than you. True, kids have thought parents uncool since the invention of kids. Shortly after neck muscles can hold up a head, children learn how to roll their eyes – audibly.

But thinking your parents are uncool is not the same thing as thinking you’re cool. This, I would posit, doesn’t happen until the kid hits double digits. But you know what a ten-year-old thinks is cool? Video games, anime, superheroes, memes, hoodies, and stickers on skateboards. You know, things that will course correct naturally, one hopes.

That said, I also keep tabs on what The Wife thinks is cool. This is important because, well, love and romance and mystique are important in a relationship. And I gotta say this category was going pretty well. I mean, barring the occasional eye roll at a misplaced/ill-timed/flat joke, I’m held in relative esteem around here. The key word being “relative”.

And that’s why the other day I was taken aback when The Wife bought our ten-year-old new pants. She liked what she saw so much, she said, “Wow! He’s almost cooler than you!”

I endure a lot in this life. I am strong of mind, heart, and body. Stamina is kind of my thing. That said, I will not countenance The Wife thinking a ten-year-old is cooler than me?! Not for one minute. Not over a pair of pants. And certainly not over a pair of pants called “joggers”.

Let’s take a step back. What is cool? The fact that one has to ask the question means that the answer is distinctly: Not you, bub. Cool is a state of mind, an inner confidence. Cool, as a temperature, is the other side of a pillow.

So, some people are cool; others play pickleball. How do I know pickleball is not cool? Because if pickleball was actually cool, people wouldn’t be trying to convince me it’s cool. I mean, do the people who love Taylor Swift/Bilie Eilish/Miley Cyrus (all different people, by the way) want to convert me? No. they do not. They don’t care about me. They don’t need me. That makes them cool.

So, is a jogger cool? Well, joggers are pants. Can pants be cool? On the one hand, David Letterman’s company is named “Worldwide Pants”. That’s pretty cool. On the other hand, a marketing person might say joggers are not just pants! Joggers have a drawstring! Joggers have a tapered fit AND elastic around the ankles?! But I’ve been around the block. This is not my first run-in with marketing. Nor elastic. So, I will not easily be convinced by a marketeer. Before I leap into the fray, I want to know what these things are for.

Can you jog in joggers, I asked the nice lady at the store. Her answer confused me. She said: Depends. If you really want to jog, you’re going to want a sweat pant/workout pant/track pant. Joggers, according to the nice lady, are better for “athleisure” (Apparently, that’s a real word – even if it doesn’t mean anything. My autocorrect gives it a green light.) or “executive lounging”. Also, Gentlemen’s Quarterly says a jogger will take you from “gym to brunch – and back again.” That’s seems like some oddly specific performance, but I guess there’s a need because joggers are hot right now. The internet also says joggers are good for errands, grabbing a beer at the brewery, and jetsetting (which is just a fancy word for flying on a plane). So, in conclusion, joggers cover your legs which makes them, um, well, pants.

Look, I’m willing to concede joggers are cooler than pickleball – and not wearing pants. Yes, there’s a difference between being stopped by the actual police and the fashion police. But if The Wife thinks that a ten-year-old in joggers is “cooler than me” then I must crush that ten-year-old like a bug with joggers of my very own! Ha Ha! You’re not the only one with a drawstring anymore, buddy boy. And notice my tapered fit around the ankle? And you, ten-year-old boy-whose-mama-buys-you-clothes, have only one pair of joggers. And now I have two! Who’s the cool guy now, little man?