A few years ago, I saw a video that really stuck with me. Video of different individuals responding to a question asked off camera. “What do you do on a daily basis to keep yourself safe?”
Men who were asked this question looked confused, even bewildered, by the question and might stammer something about locking their doors at night.
Women, no matter what their age, would immediately start to list a variety of strategies and rituals they practiced daily, dozens of them. We educate girls and young women in these strategies. I even heard them as part of a local graduation speaker’s message a few years back. Don’t go out alone. Don’t accept a drink from someone you don’t know. Carry your keys between your fingers. Check your surroundings… the list goes on and on. I have had young women see me in the clinic requesting a birth control prescription before they go off to college “just in case.” Not to prevent pregnancy “just in case” they consent to have sex with someone, but “just in case” they get assaulted.
Though it makes me incredibly sad and frustrated, I can’t disagree with the twisted logic. The statistics say 1 in 5 women are survivors of rape. Ask the women in your life what they do to keep themselves safe, what they think about, when they have felt unsafe and scared. What can we do to change that?
I am not naïve enough to suggest we should stop teaching these lessons. However, I am concerned that the messaging needs to be more nuanced. There is a tendency, as we tell women how to stay safe, for victims who are assaulted to feel that they brought it on themselves, that they didn’t follow the rules and practice the rituals well enough.
For male victims, there is not even language for what they experienced since we don’t tell men they are at risk too.
Legal systems require victims to prove they were victims. The guilt and shame devastates lives and is as traumatic as the assault. In addition to suggesting ways to be safer, we need to tell women we have their backs. That they have a right to feel safe in the world. That we will not tolerate perpetrators, acts of violence against them even if they don’t always follow all the rules. Demand that perpetrators be punished. We need to tell street hecklers to shut up, talk and teach about and practice active consent, intervene if we see someone in trouble. We need to say NO MORE.
There is a national campaign called NO MORE committed to ending domestic violence and sexual assault in our communities. It asks people to take the pledge and say why they say NO MORE. I say NO MORE blaming the victim, no more excuses.
Go to NOMORE.org for more information and to take the pledge.
For the past 30 years in Cook County, the Violence Prevention Center has been doing this work serving victims and their families, raising community awareness, listening, believing, supporting. On Sept. 10 from 11 – 1p.m. at WTIP’s Radio Waves Music Festival, there will be the 2nd Dance ‘til There is NO MORE Dance Party in support of the VPC and the national NO MORE campaign. You can join as a dancer or support a dancer with a pledge. Visit our table at the event to say your NO MORE. For more information, call the VPC at 387-1237 or check the links on the web site at www.violencepreventioncenter.org
In hope for better someday,
Jenny Delfs, MD
VPC Board member
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