Volkfest

 

Warning: This column, starting with the title, will require some German. Even if you’re just reading silently, feel free to mispronounce them in your head.

Octoberfest, or Volkfest as it’s known in Germany, is a traveling carnival in Munich, Bavaria (that’s in Germany, which is in Europe) where they serve beer. Fun fact: the vast majority of Octoberfest is in September! So why is called Octoberfest? Did I mention there’s beer? That is not a coincidence. Anyway, the festivities last seventeen or eighteen days so, unless you’re in space or something, it’s almost impossible to miss.

Though the beer’s the main thing, one important part of Octoberfest is German culture. And who doesn’t love German culture? Okay. Fine. Most people do not love German culture. But a few people, for some reason, actually do (No, really). They have respect for the, um, agriculture, I guess. And cars and cream pies. German culture also starts a lot of wars. But the foundation of German culture is…

The language! German, which is easily the most offensive to the human ear on the planet earth, is just as grating in Germany, Austria, Luxembourg, or Belgium. Not only is German hard to hear, speak, and read – and I don’t mean that it’s challenging – I just mean it’s “hard” because the words feel bad in your mouth, brain, and life. But the German language is ultimately bad for your soul (see wars above).

More innocuous German culture would include the Bavarian hats made of chamois. If you don’t know what “chamois” is, you don’t spend enough time with the agile goat-antelopes on the German mountainside. And to address the follow up question: Yes, a goat-antelope is really a thing. Apparently.

More inexplicable German culture includes folk dancers performing German dances, women in dirndls, men in lederhosen. Dirndls come with their own apron, which is useful should you spill or splatter mid-dance. Men sport lederhosen which makes anyone and everyone, young and old, look like they’re eight.

But arguably the most unfortunate German culture is “food”. Some people think German food is best enjoyed with a beer or six, but others say that German beer was invented because eating German food without it makes you want to start a war. Würstl, brezen, and sauerkraut, known to English speakers as sausages, pretzels, and sauerkraut, is the kind of thing they serve at Octoberfest. The only advantage of eating this “food” is that it will allow you to drink more beer.

Technically, German culture includes German history but delving into that would unearth phrases like “Franco-Prussian” and “war”. So quickly moving on to…

…the best part of German culture – beer! So, let’s talk about beer. Beer, behind water and tea, is the third most popular beverage in the world. Beer is brewed, fermented, naturally carbonated, and I don’t know that this is relevant, but it also contains alcohol.

They serve this alcohol beer in beer German mugs, also known as steins. There are variety of sizes, all in the metric system, ranging from Bottle (for babies); Pint (for Brits); Vat (for locals): Trough (for tourists).

So, I get why this Octoberfest thing is a thing – in Germany (see beer above). But why is this Octoberfest thing a thing – in America?

I’m not naïve. I understand why a German bar or restaurant in America would want to get in on the action. Why, pray tell, would you head there otherwise? But why on earth would almost every American brewery host Octoberfest events? Is it because of their German roots? Nein. Or breweries interest in German culture? Nein! Or breweries love and respect for German beers? NEIN!! American breweries do not sell German beers. Yes, some American breweries offer German-style beers, which is slightly malty and lighter bodied. Or, in other words, beer. But most American breweries serve regular American beer (indistinguishable from German beer). And the one thing we know about American beer drinkers is that they will imbibe whatever beer they’re served for any reason under the sun. So… Octoberfest in America! Mehr beir, kellnerin!

This kind of behavior by both beer maker and beer drinker makes me suspect the maker is looking for a reason to sell beer and the drinker is looking for reason to drink beer. But I don’t have any proof. It’s just a theory.

So, to recap… during seventeen days or so in mostly September, roughly six million thirsty Germans and tourists celebrate German culture by drinking a lot of German beer (more than seven million liters) at an event in Munich, Bavaria named after the month of October. I guess it’s better than starting a war. Prost!