It seems that our basement at home has become a glorified football field lately. All three of our boys have this insatiable desire to play catch, tackle, or any other kind of football they can think of. It has become more and more competitive as Adam (seven years old), Jacob (six years old), and Paul (four years old) constantly want my attention when I get home.
The other night Paul was playing defense on his big brother Adam while I threw Adam passes. Paul couldn’t break-up any passes and started to pout. I could tell he was about to quit, something that is against our unwritten code at home. So jokingly I said, “Paul, I will give you a quarter for every pass you break up.”
After another ten passes or so, I threw a mediocre pass and Paul pounced on it with an interception. I have to admit, he surprised me with his quick reaction. I actually had no intention of letting
Paul get a quarter.
Instead, the little bugger made a nice play and earned one!
After we were done with that game, Paul actually earned two quarters and I was out 50 cents.
I didn’t mean to make the game about money. I did, however, want to teach Paul that he isn’t going to be given everything in life. He was the one who chose
to play defense on Adam. When he found that it was difficult,he wanted me to throw bad passes so he could break up a pass. If I had consented, what message would I have sent my boy? When the going gets tough, someone is going to bail you out. Despite what popular culture currently believes, that is not the lesson I want my boys to learn.
If Paul wants real success, he will have to work for it. I will probably never offer money again in a game of football downstairs, but let me tell you, Paul is pretty proud of those two quarters he received. Why? Not because I gave them to him,
but because he earned them!
That night I was committed to not giving Paul a single penny if he didn’t earn it. I was ready for him to be upset at the end of the night and then having to tuck him into bed explaining that he would have to work harder next time if he was going to compete with a seven-year old.
All too often, we set high expectations for kids and when they don’t reach these expectations, we reward them anyway. Many believe that we will hurt a kid’s self-esteem if we don’t reward every young person who participates in an activity or contest.
In reality, when we reward students, even young kids, for false achievements, we are doing more harm than good. If we want to reward kids and build positive self-esteem, we need to be ready to teach the tough lessons of hard work and determination to those who don’t find instant success.
This isn’t popular in our culture today because teaching those lessons is a lot of work and it doesn’t offer instant gratification to the young person. It’s much easier to just hand every kid a quarter, a ribbon, or a certificate.
I would rather my kids come home empty-handed than learn a lesson that rewards mediocrity.
Mitch Dorr, a Cook County
High School Class of 1993
graduate, is now a social
studies teacher and coach at
his former alma mater. Mitch
coaches Vikings football and
boys’ basketball.
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