As this column will be coming out shortly after Christmas, I thought a Night Before Christmas would be the perfect theme. I found this “sugary” tribute to be quite fitting considering all the delicious and tempting sweets that surround us during the holiday season. ‘Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips. Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.
While loosening my girdle and
donning pants with no straps
I had just settled down to a sugarborne nap.
When out in the pantry
there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed
to see what was the matter.
Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallows look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.
When what to my wandering eyes should appear
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I’d wind up sick.
The sweet-coated Santa,
those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly
but still I could hear;
On Jenny Craig, on MediFast,
on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout
from sugar detox.
From the top of the scales
to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds!
Now dash away all!
Dressed up in Lane Bryant
from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging
from too much excess.
My droll little mouth
and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed
like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word
but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy
then turned with a jerk.
And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry–
If temptation’s removed I’ll get thin by and by.
And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I’ll starve…
’til I take that first bite!
Author Unknown
Taste of Home columnist Sandy (Anderson) Holthaus lives on a farm in South Haven, MN with her husband, Michael, and their children Zoe, Jack and Ben. Her heart remains on the North Shore where she grew up with her parents, Art and LaVonne Anderson of Schroeder. She enjoys writing about her childhood and mixes memories with delicious helpings of home-style recipes.
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