Even when the mind is happy and healthy, times of distress can make it difficult to think clearly and resolve issues. That is why it can be useful to have some guiding principles during times of distress. The following are ones that I personally use and recommend: 1. Argue with a “we” in mind. There are a lot of barriers to addressing issues with others. First and foremost, there is the fear of “making things worse” and the accompanying desire to avoid the issue. A great way to address an issue without making things worse is to take the “we” approach. The central idea to this approach is that resolving conflict is about improving the relationship with the other person, not identifying who is right or wrong. It is about asking the question “What can we do to improve this situation for both of us?”as opposed to pointing fingers. 2. Scan your environment. It is important to identify relationships or situations that leave you feeling bad, especially when you believe that they should be making you feel happy. It can be difficult or confusing to know why they are making you feel bad, and who is to blame for this feeling. This is one reason why talking to a therapist or another good listener can be extremely helpful. They can help identify if the situation or relationship issue is your problem to address, or if the situation or relationship does not meet your needs. The latter scenario is what I think about as the “square peg in the round hole” dynamic. It is the situation when it is difficult to give up on what is believed to bring happiness, even when you are feeling miserable. For some, it is the belief that taking care of everyone else at the expense of personal health is what a good person “should” do. For others, it may be valuing work, partying, or someone’s approval over personal health and good relationships. When the “should make me happy” no longer does, it is time to begin examining why. 3) Stay focused during upheaval. There are many periods of upheaval in life, and for some people it is more the rule than the exception. It is tempting to give up working towards long-term goals or aspirations during these times, instead waiting for the relief that comes with having answers or the hope that an issue will be resolved. However, there are many times when it is completely appropriate and beneficial to continue working towards goals in the midst of upheaval. For example, if you have a long-term goal to stay physically healthy, it is nearly always possible to do 5 minutes of exercise every day. Or if you are developing a skill or trade, reading or talking to someone about your interest a few minutes a day can help prevent the feeling that your life is on hold. Whatever the outcome of the crisis, staying focused and working towards larger goals usually makes life easier once the crisis has passed.
Each month a mental health therapist will discuss an area of mental health. This week’s contributor is Matthew Webb, Psy.D,LP with the Human Development Center.
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