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Easter is approaching. For Christians, it’s a solemn and joyful time to celebrate the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus Christ. For many it’s the one time of year they actually go to church. It is a time for reflection, celebration, and, of course, Peeps.
Peeps, as everyone already knows, is an Easter candy, a yellow marshmallow shaped like a bunny. And if that was all a Peep was, I wouldn’t mention it. But every year the Peep seems to creep deeper into our lives and psyche. And it makes me nervous because, what the heck is going on here? Why is a marshmallow coming so fast and hard?
Look, some journalists are willing to go to the frontlines of a war to bring you, the reader, news. Both metaphorically and literally, that’s a bridge too far for me. But there are frontlines to many wars. Culture wars. Political wars. But those also sound hard so count me out. However, I am willing to wade fearlessly into what I will now call The Marshmallow War.
The Marshmallow War is a quiet and insidious war wherein marshmallows, a soft and spongy candy, stop being a niche candy used periodically in s’mores and hot chocolate and try to take over the world.
Consider the marshmallow. The most famous marshmallow in cinema is the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man from the movie Ghostbusters. Donald Trump once called Hillary Clinton a marshmallow. It was not a compliment. In my youth, I remember full-size marshmallows being surprisingly great to throw both for distance and at your friends. Not so the case with mini marshmallows; you’d be lucky to huck one of those across the table.
Anyway, as I mentioned, Peeps are coming to take over the world and you, the reader, deserve to know which, if any Peeps are worth your time and money. Thus, I have reviewed the newest Peep products I could stomach. Yes, I really did purchase the following Peep products and really did consume them. In fact, I even submitted my receipts to HR so they could reimburse me. They were confused to learn I wasn’t looking for financial remuneration. I was hoping they could reimburse what was lost in my soul.
Peep Gummy Bunnies
Pink and yellow. This is arguably the worst thing I’ve ever put in my mouth. They’re like someone made a candy and asked a kid what to add and the kid said: More sugar! The texture reminds me of a lotion I once mistook for toothpaste.
Peeps Cereal
It’s like Lucky Charms without all that nutrition. The most impressive thing about it is the aftertaste. It’s like a bad houseguest. It lingers and won’t be shooed away with white wine. For that you’re going to need something stronger.
Peeps covered in Chocolate
It’s like alchemy when the right combination of food is found. One plus one equals three! Peeps covered in chocolate are, however, the opposite. The combination of an inedible yellow marshmallow and what must be the cheapest chocolate available to man are, by my calculations, approximately negative six.
Peeps flavored Pepsi Soda
The bouquet offers both essence of food coloring and artificial flavoring. On the palate, it’s delivers sweetness that, on a one-to-ten scale, is somehow thirteen. The finish is long and entirely comprised of regret.
Peeps Marshmallows (various flavors)
(red, blue, green, purple, pink, white, cotton candy, Mike and Ike/Hot Tamales, party cake, tropical burst, sparkly wild berry) Dante gave us only nine circles of hell and they were numbered with roman numerals, so you know he was serious. But Peeps topped that lazy Italian hack with twelve flavors. The different flavors and colors do taste different, just not in a way that makes you want to differentiate.
The Classic Yellow Peep
The best thing one can say about The Classic Yellow Peep is that it’s gelatinous. The worst thing you could say about these things is not something a family newspaper will print. How do I know they’re terrible? My children, who devour every candy under the sun, won’t eat ‘em.
Look, I know some folks like this Easter tradition. My late mother loved the Peeps Diorama contest at the Washington Post. The Peep as entertainment is fine. But other people not only eat Peeps but even quibble over the right amount of time to leave them out of the package before doing so?! Food scientists must be stopped somewhere. So, from now on, let’s enjoy Peeps as entertainment, as toys, and stop calling them food/ candy. Can we do that?
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