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I like pumpkin. I even might go so far as to say I like pumpkin – a lot.
I like roasted pumpkin. I like pumpkin bread. I like pumpkin soup. I like pumpkin seeds, though I call them pepitas. (I come from Mexican people.) When Linus spends the evening waiting for The Great Pumpkin, I’m rooting for him. I like pumpkin ravioli. I like the pumpkin patch. I like pumpkin as a decoration. I like pumpkin pie. I like the jack-o’lantern, a.k.a. carved pumpkin. I like little old ladies who call my children pumkin.’
So, I really do like pumpkin. But a man has limits.
I’m not saying you do this but someone, somewhere, at some point in time, decided it was a good idea to put pumpkin in their coffee. And here I must draw the line.
It happens annually, this time of year, signs pop up at the coffee shop: Pumpkin-Spice Latte is here! But whoever said the pumpkin spice latte is something we want here? If this abomination must exist, for the love of man, don’t bring it here. Keep it over there.
I do not want it in the fall. I do not want it at the mall.
But, like Dr. Seuss’s plot of Green Eggs and Ham, the pumpkin-spice cappuccino or latte seems to be offered at every turn. Let’s consider.
To understand pumpkin spice, we must first know the pumpkin.
The etymology of “pumpkin” comes via Latin from the Greek pepon – large melon. Though many mistake this “large melon” for a vegetable, the pumpkin is, in fact, a fruit. I love fruit. And I love coffee. But the Venn diagram of fruit and coffee should look like a pair of wide-set eyes.
Some cooks will say, “Yes, technically pumpkin is a fruit but, in the kitchen, we really treat it like a vegetable.” Fair enough. The pumpkin is also a winter squash, and a squash is a vegetable. The pumpkin is a gourd, and the word “gourd” is funny (See Monty Python’s Life of Brian). Thus, I will allow the alternate categorization of pumpkin as a vegetable. (Incidentally, this vegetable that is roughly 90 percent water turns out to be really good for you – high in potassium, vitamin A, beta-carotene, and antioxidants.) However, I do not want a vegetable in my coffee.
But what about pumpkin spice? What’s it made of? Recipes vary but basically, it’s cinnamon, clove, nutmeg cardamon, ginger. And maybe some allspice.
The careful reader will notice there is one ingredient conspicuously absent from pumpkin spice: pumpkin. That bears repeating: there is no pumpkin in pumpkin spice! None. Zero. This means this self-inflicted wound that is the combination of spices that is pumpkin spice is simply attempting to approximate the flavor of pumpkin?!
Why, man, why?!
Some may say: what’s the harm in a little seasonal promotion? Hey, I know it’s pumpkin season. I look forward to pumpkin season. But it’s also apple season. Apple coffee anyone? Heck, it’s harvest season. Right now, they’re also harvesting potatoes and garlic and carrots. Care for a carrot coffee?
But maybe you live off the grid and baristas and seasonal lattes like the pumpkin-spice latte are not on your radar. Congratulations. Aristotle would recognize your life as: good.
But for the rest of us. I have a suggestion: Maybe it’s a weekend, after a truncated breakfast and a very busy morning. You’re thirsty. Really thirsty. You didn’t drink enough water this morning. (Maybe you didn’t have any water.) You’re dehydrated. Not in the-lost-in-the-desert sort of way, but in the you’re- actually- considering a-Pumpkin-Spice-Latte-sort-of-way.
You are not thinking clearly. Steer clear. There are other espresso-based drinks. There is drip coffee. Get a tea if you have to. What you probably should order but probably won’t order is a new thing coffee shops sell: water. My suggestion is: For the love of man, do not order a pumpkin spiced drink!!
I do not want it on the rocks. I do not want it with a fox.
The pumpkin-spiced latte is a fruit coffee! Or a vegetable coffee! Or a combination-of-spices-meant-to-simulate-a-fruit/vegetable coffee. Whatever pumpkin spice is it should not be a coffee.
But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you’ll enjoy sipping a nice cup of potpourri.
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