The Great Minnesota Get Together

 

The Minnesota State Fair is held on the twelve days leading up to Labor Day. There’s way, way too much going on at The Fair to list here. So, let’s get reductive!

The Fair is ANIMALS! Many animals. Mostly four legged (cows, horses, pigs). Some two legged (birds). I guess butterflies have six legs. But fish don’t have legs, I don’t think. Unless humans evolved from fish. Ask Darwin.

The Fair is PLANTS! From agriculture to horticulture, two words you thought meant the same thing but don’t. You can even make your toddler farm. I thought child labor laws discouraged this sort of thing but not at The Fair.

The Fair is ART! People do things to and with corn and seeds in the name of “art”, that will show up in your nightmares. Unwilling to cede the category of “art” to seed, Dairy gives us sculptures of Dairy Princesses made out of butter. And I guess there’s also Fine Art.

The Fair is COMPETITION! You know who will shove your Norwegian grandma down a flight of stairs for that blue ribbon for best needlecraft? Someone else’s Norwegian grandma! Minnesota nice is out. It’s all or nothing here, people. These bakers and knitters and canners go for blue ribbon with a cutthroat, bloodthirsty lust that would make a professional wrestler blush.

The Fair is ENTERTAINMENT! There are big acts on the grandstand like Diana Ross and The Beach Boys and Jim Gaffigan. (Tickets cost extra.) But there are also smaller acts on smaller stages and parades going on all the time that are free. But for me the real Entertainment is…

The Fair is SELLING YOU STUFF! Forget the souvenirs, hats, tees, flags, etc. For my money, Entertainment is people SELLING YOU STUFF. Arthur Miller never would have written “Death of a Salesman” if he gone to The Grandstand and watched these maestros sell you gadgets and gizmos, things you didn’t know existed, but now you need. This is the old school sales pitch complete with a plant in the audience who will be the first to “buy” a knife that can cut through a steel pipe FOR ONLY $20!

The Fair is FOOD! It’s a noun on a stick! Apparently, people will buy anything on a stick. Abysmal failures include: spaghetti and meat balls on a stick; egg roll on a stick; key lime pie on a stick; waffles with sausage on a stick; fried candy bars on a stick; and fried chicken on a stick makes about as much sense as wine on a stick. What is the fascination with a stick? Pronto Pups and corn dogs on a stick (fourth graders debate which is best), at least makes sense. The stick allows you to hold a food you wouldn’t want to touch with your hands but for some reason you want to put in your body. But this isn’t Foodie food. This is Fair Food. Come hungry.

The Fair is RIDES! From Ferris Wheel to roller coaster to the giant rug slide, there are rides for all ages. But the ride I want to discuss is featured in the little-known F. Scott Fitzgerald short story called “A Night at the Fair”. “Ye Old Mill” is a three-minute boat ride in a dark tunnel that has been around since 1913. They claim it’s the “original tunnel of love” but IMO… Ye Old Mill is a lot of dark, more dark, then there’s a diorama that looks like they spent three minutes and $3 decorating it. Then there’s more dark, more dark. Then another dusty, sparse diorama that has no thematic connection to any other diorama (leprechauns, skeletons, deer) and absolutely no vibe of love. I’m not asking for Space Mountain here. I’m just saying, for me this is the worst $5 I spend at the fair. But I do it every year because, well, tradition.

Finally, it’s my contention that if The Fair didn’t have any animals/ plants/ rides/ food/ etc., people would still show up because ultimately The Fair is PEOPLE! “Judge not lest you be judged” is out. The Fair is people judging people all day long: Who misspells a tattoo? That genius has more food than hands! Is she wearing pajamas? Who gets drunk at 11am?

In the end, “the great Minnesota get together” requires patience, stamina, perseverance, and the ability to improvise. And that’s just to get in the gates. On the inside, time passes at a different clip and the outside world fades away. The day I went, 249,490 people showed up. That’s a lot of getting together for joy on a stick.