The Derby

 

When I was little, I thought the Kentucky Derby was a bowler hat with a rounded crown and a narrow brim made in the Bluegrass State. No, no. The Kentucky Derby is a manned horse race. The manned part is important because that’s the thing that makes horse racing a, well, um, “sport”.

Horse racing is a sport the same way Quidditch is a sport. The likelihood that you pick one up tomorrow is the exact same. The only way for you to enjoy horse racing is as a spectator. If I was interested in football, baseball, basketball, soccer or tennis, I can toss the pigskin around, hit the batting cage, shoot some hoops, kick around a soccer ball, or pick up a racket and play tennis. (I’ve done all these things.) But I can’t run down to the track for a little horse racing.

To get into horse racing you need one thing: You must be very, very rich. It’s not that everyone who owns a horse is rich. It’s that buying, breeding, housing, feeding, training, whispering, and transporting a racehorse costs – according to my math on this cocktail napkin – a lot of hay. And since most Owners want someone else to take care of everything but the-buying-the-racehorse part, Owners need a staff. Oh, I almost forgot. Owners also need someone to ride the beast. This person is called a jockey. Jockeys are smaller than average humans who sit atop the racehorse and tell the animal when to go very fast and when to take it easy.

Some say The Kentucky Derby is “the greatest two minutes in sports!” And this certainly sounds exciting. But I think whoever coined this phrase missed the last two minutes of, say, this year’s Superbowl. And the World Cup. And other, actual sports. But skeptics say the sport of horse racing really is just writing a lot of very big checks. But I happen to know that Owners have someone write checks for them. So other than the horse, and to a far lesser extent, the jockey, who exactly participates in this “sport”? Finally, can you think of another sport that involves breeding?

The other unusual thing about horse racing is gambling. Yes, you can bet on any sporting event in the world but a racetrack is unique in that they will take your bet(s) right there on the premises! It turns out, gambling is integral to horse racing because, um, well, the truth is: horse racing isn’t that interesting unless you have a little something riding on it. I can prove this. Watch a horse race. Neat, huh? Now put a little something on Pickles to win place or show and then watch a horse race. If Pickles is in the hunt, your heart will beat faster, you might rise to your feet shouting words of encouragement. And if Pickles wins, you might leap up and kiss whoever you’re with right on the mouth! It’s really exciting! But you are not cheering for Pickles; you’re cheering for your money. The fact is if you take gambling out of horse racing no one would show up.

Look. On May sixth, if you’re looking for a reason to day drink or maybe you don’t have another place to wear seersucker or a fascinator, by all means, don the garb, head to the bar, drink a mint julep out of a pewter cup and indulge in the Kentucky Derby. But instead of sport, maybe just think of this event as a really fast pageant or very small parade?