If you hate the cold these days stop reading this column! It won’t help because I am about to whine a blue streak and you might have to lie down to recoup after you read this. 1 I went outside this morning with slightly
damp hair only to find icicles in my ponytail when I was at the grocery store. Hair icicles! Tell that to someone who grew up in Miami. They won’t believe you. 2 Frozen stock tanks. I had to bust through two inches of ice to give the alpacas a drink. (I know I should have had the heater on sooner but I wanted to save on the electric bill.) Number
two and a half:
The water hose was frozen solid too so I had to hang it in the tub to thaw. Aaaarrrgggg and yuck at the same time! 3 Bedtime at 5:00? I am an early riser. I always have been but that means I have an internal clock that believes if it is light out I should be up and if it is dark outside I should be tucked into bed. I now sleep 15 hours a day. (Not really but my body wants to, that’s for sure.) Hint: November through March— don’t call after 8:30 p.m.…seriously… I’m asleep. 4 Yes, you can freeze your fingers to the water hydrant and it doesn’t have to be much below 32 degrees to do so. I try to remember to wear gloves but when I’m in a hurry….Ever watched A Christmas Story?
I cringe at the flagpole scene every time. 5 Scraping frosty car windows! I am short and reaching the middle without getting my jacket all dirty from the side of the van is next to impossible. I will admit, but don’t tell anyone, I try to skip the scraping part and go straight to using a half-gallon of window washer to clear the windshield in the morning. I use more fluid in the winter than any other time of year. 6 I eat too much when it’s cold. I don’t know why, salads just don’t cut it when there’s snow on the ground. Thick soups, homemade bread, warm apple pie (at least it’s fruit) and buttery popcorn are my winter favorites. Minnesota fashion also makes it just a little too easy to cover up that extra five pounds I find just waiting for me in the spring. (Who am I kidding? We all know it’s an extra ten!) 7 I hate winter driving! I am a tense, white-knuckle winter driver and I will be the first to admit it. I just want to stay on the road and not have anyone hit me either. It doesn’t help if someone else drives; I am just as nervous with them behind the wheel. It’s best if I fall asleep. Thatway I don’t grip the chicken handle and have my feet on the dash the whole time. No child needs to see that. 8 Hunting season! I am not upset about the hunting of deer as I understand that without hunting we would be overrun by these animals but seriously do you have to start blasting your guns at the first crack of dawn and continue shooting until dusk? I thought most hunters could kill on the first shot but this must be a myth because I hear at least four rounds in a row… It’s Bambi for goodness sake, not an elephant. 9 Runny noses. Nuff said!
10 It lasts too darn long. Five months is just too much. Don’t try to tell me it’s only four months, either. Winter for me begins November 1st and doesn’t end until April 1st. That, my friend, is five full months and I choose to forget those years when it has snowed mid-October and we’ve had freezing rain in April. (I have seasonal amnesia.)
Thank you for listening to my whining and complaining. If you have the good fortune to be reading this from the warmth of Arizona, Florida or any place other than South Haven, Minnesota, please send me a postcard with a little sunshine. I think I’m going to need it! Peace, Sandy.
Winter is nature’s way of saying,
“Up yours.”
Robert Byrne
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