When it comes to speaking frankly about the basic facts of a matter—like the county’s proposed 2018 budget, for instance—it dawned on me that preparing a turkey for Thanksgiving plays as a great metaphor for serving up a tax levy.
But before I get into the noteworthy similarities, let me address the quirky oddity as to why the turkey gets such a bad rap, despite its prominent place in the center of our table on Thanksgiving Day.
Calling someone a turkey certainly can’t be considered a compliment as it is considered synonymous with being labeled a dunderhead, which in and of itself certainly sounds less-than-laudatory.
Inveterate inventor and Founding Father Ben Franklin, who once attempted to kill and cook a turkey using electricity on the banks of the Schuylkill (Skool-kil) River near Philadelphia, was one soul who took issue with the “dunderhead” connotation as Ben, known for his calming voice of reason, appeared to hold the turkey in rather high esteem.
Writing to his daughter Sarah, January 26, 1784, Franklin extolled the virtues of the noble turkey, claiming the gobbler to be “a bird of courage” that “would not hesitate to attack the British Guards who should presume to invade his farm yard with a red coat on.”
I’ll enthusiastically confess, I’m wholly in favor of turkeys that see red as offensive, as red is where the 2018 budget is taking a number of our local patriots who are headed toward economic turmoil if things don’t change.
Franklin’s eulogy aside, when it comes to preparing a turkey, there are a number of steps to getting the pugnacious gallinaceous bird from the pasture to the plate to the palate.
Keep in mind I’m not attempting to give you any “fowl” advice . . . I’m just serving up a healthy mound of memorable metaphors…
We begin with dispatching the bird, which is usually done by wringing its neck. Anyone feeling the overreaching fingers of local officials encircling the nape of your neck?
Once you have the bird in hand, you pluck its feathers, which is the equivalent of “taking the shirt off one’s back.”
After removing the feathers you get rid of the nonessential bits of the turkey, retaining only the edible viscera, more commonly known as giblets. When it comes to the county’s budget “nonessential” isn’t even in their vocabulary.
Next, you cook the bird any way you please. At this point, I ask anyone reading this if they sense their proverbial “goose is getting cooked?”
Baste with fat. There’s no question taxpayers have been basted in drivel and gobbledygook to the point of over saturation as decision-makers attempt to “hawk” their “free-range” spending.
Make the gravy. It used to be thought meat and potatoes were the mainstays and gravy was a luxury. Unfortunately, for taxpayers, present decision-makers consider gravy a beverage— as American humorist Erma Bombeck suggested in one of her columns. In fact, there are a number of local enterprises that buy into this “gravy train” concept at taxpayer’s expense.
When the turkey has reached the recommended 165-degree F internal temperature, remove from the oven and let set a bit before carving. Here again, it’s been demonstrated that “letting the budget process set” is common practice; however, the carving bit…? Let’s just say there are only forks and spoons in the utility drawer. Knives are viewed as extremely awkward in the hands of the majority of decision makers. When it comes to the county’s budget, no carving is to be initiated.
So, what about the stuffing? One can hardly imagine a turkey dinner without stuffing!
Glad you brought it up…
Before our figurative “goose is cooked” I would encourage folks to shake off the tryptophan-induced lethargy from your recent Thanksgiving feast and head to the commissioners’ room this Monday night— November 27, 6 p.m.—for the “Truth”-in-Taxation meeting.
And here’s where the stuffing comes in…
Contrary to the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Food Safety and Inspection Services recommendation to stuff the turkey cavity loosely, taxpayers need to “stuff” the cavity—better known as the commissioners’ room—beyond capacity this coming Monday night!
And when you do, bear in mind the most important metaphor—which forks over reason to be thankful:
Once they’ve picked the carcass clean…
…We still hold the “wishbone.”
Former Cook County Commissioner Garry Gamble is writing this ongoing column about the various ways government works.
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