Summer Reads

 

One of my favorite summer activities has to be The Summer Read. Everywhere you look someone wants you to read something: billboards; menus; pamphlets. Heck, even some sights on the internet still demand that you read.

But you heard it here first. The thing you’re really going to want to read this summer is a book. Yes, books are in; pamphlets are out.

Yes, Rob, but I can’t very well waltz right into a bookstore and just ask for a book?! As a matter of fact, Dear Reader, you will learn how to do just that. The question is: what kind of book? And here’s where things get interesting. It turns out there are a couple of categories of books to choose from.

One book choice you may make is… fiction. The thing to know about fiction is that this book, the whole thing, start to finish, is entirely made up. The author dreamt it up out of thin air, abruptly wrote it all down, a publisher ran it through a spell check, then a printing press, slapped a bar code and price tag on thing and, wham-bam-thank-you-mam: a book of fiction. The great thing about a book somebody made up out of thin air is that you don’t have to take it seriously. A book of fiction is something to enjoy.

This category of fiction to enjoy is completely distinct from another type of book, the counterpart to fiction: non-fiction. Fiction, as you recall, is made up; non-fiction, on the other hand, is entirely, completely, always 100 percent true. Someone said, “History was written by the winners” and what they mean by that is that non-fiction writers are winners, every one of them without an ounce of bias. Non-fiction writers are just like John Roberts on the Supreme court, just umpires calling balls and strikes. Finally, you will remember fiction is something you enjoy; non-fiction, on the other hand, is something you endure.

So, let’s recap. Fiction is not real, not the characters nor the plot. Basically, fiction is other people’s problems. Non-fiction, on the other hand, is entirely, completely, always 100 percent true which means, whether its ancient or recent history: These are your problems.

So now that you know everything there is to know about books, you might want to go into an old-fashioned brick and mortar joint and strut your stuff.

Your Story might go something like this:

There you are, looking like You, just outside the Book Emporium. Then, when the time is right, you go from outside to the inside. Once inside, you are now a literal insider. You will saunter over to the Help Desk and ask, leisurely: May I trouble you for… a book. A smug, haughty, self-satisfied clerk will look over his or her or their glasses and test you: Did the gentle person have something specific in mind? And this is where you, a book expert, will say, breezily: I would like the book to be… of fiction. The clerk may drop the attitude, but they will, being a persistently persnickety bunch, attempt once more to stump you: Did the gentle person desire any… particular work of fiction? And this is where you will be ready for your mixed metaphor/check mate: Today I am looking for something in… paperback. The complacent clerk will instantly morph into a fawning sycophant, recognizing you for who you are: sophisticated; urbane; au courant. He/She/They will immediately slither off into the stacks and return with a book just for you.

The reading comprehension question I will now ask is: Was Your Story a work of fiction or non-fiction?