Spring is sprung. Or has it?

 

They say it’s spring. But how do you know for sure? At first glance, it’s hard to tell it apart from fall. Sure, the snow is melting. But underneath, there are the dead, brown leaves. Again. You may wonder: What the heck? I thought I bagged those up?! No, you bagged other leaves. But then more, other leaves fell and/ or blew into your yard. Then it snowed. And you cannot bag leaves under the snow. Thus, there are the dead, brown leaves. Again. Sigh.

The way you can tell it is Spring is not with your eyes. It is with your ears. You hear that song outside? You haven’t heard it for so long that it may take you a moment to place it. The sweet song just outside your window starts at daybreak and rings until dusk. The magical song of Spring, of course, is the siren of the leafblower. You may be out of practice and not able to identify it with precision. Is that a gas-powered Toro? Or a Black and Decker backpack? Don’t worry. You have all Spring, Summer, and Fall, dawn until dusk, to hone your skills.

Another way you know it’s spring is when it snows and you think of Prince’s song, “Sometimes it snows in April.” It’s a sad song. It is not as sad as when it snows in April. But it is sad. Like April.

Slowly but unsurely the weather gets warmer, so you don’t need to make as many fires in your fireplace. This is why, I think, this time of year it’s nice to just set your Netflix/Amazon to a good fireplace show and let your streaming service feed the fire, so to speak. This time of year, the heat from your OLED screen is warm enough. Though, take it from me, don’t try to roast a marshmallow over it. That is not a mistake I will make twice.

While spring brings many good/great things – birds, buds, warmer weather! It also brings some not so good/great things: mud, damp, the first fly of the year! The first fly always confuses me. How did it survive the winter? Did it migrate from somewhere? Why is it so alone and so slow? Is it alone because it’s slow? Or is it slow because it’s alone? I have so many questions for you, annoying first fly.

Another way you know it’s spring is because we shed our winter coats! Goodbye, Old Yeller. See you next Winter. Hello, light jacket! Oh, how I’ve missed you. Of course, not everyone has a clear understanding of what to wear now. Change confuses some people. A few folks didn’t get the memo that spring is a transition, not a leap into another dimension. Some confused people hop straight from winter parkas into shorts. This is jarring for everyone. Many are blinded by the greatwhite whiteness that is the first flesh of the year. Others may even call law enforcement, assuming this person is having an episode. Alas. Would that they were. This person simply has no understanding of transition.

The short-wearing crowd is annoying, but they at least get what’s coming to them: chilly legs. The truly egregious faux pas of the season is the indefensible “fashion statement” that is the vest. A vest, of course, is a jacket without sleeves. And I’m no heatloss expert, but I can tell you there is a good reason they make jackets with sleeves. It’s because your extremities matter. How much do they matter? Go see how long you can walk around in freezing temperatures without gloves. Not long, huh? Well, that’s why the very first clothing makers made a thing called a jacket – with sleeves! If it warmed up, the wearer simply unzipped the thing or maybe went all the way and took it off. But someone, somewhere decided this did not go far enough. This disturbed person wanted a jacket… without sleeves! This person said: I want my core to be warm, but I’d like my appendages to be… not warm.

Do we really need to cover this? I have a three-year old running around this house somewhere, so we watch a lot of Daniel Tiger on PBS Kids. Daniel’s a good tiger, a kind tiger. Who knows? One day he may be a great tiger. We’ll see. But he’s a little tiger so he’s still figuring things out. One day he had to learn what to wear on a snowy day. You know what it was? Snow gear! On a rainy day, he wore… wait for it… a raincoat and boots. In the summer he wore… well, you get it. But you know what Daniel Tiger never picked out of his closet? A gosh darn vest! Because even a four-year-old tiger knows that a vest is just a jacket without sleeves.

Look, if you’re comfortable in a vest… then you don’t need a vest. And if you’re chilly in a vest… I hope you get frostbite and your arms fall off. But I dunno. These are the same fashion-forward types that wear ski hats (they may call them beanies but they’re not fooling anyone) in the summer. (I’ve even seen a summer scarf. I laughed for a whole week when I saw that one.) So, I don’t know. Maybe these people have some kind of disorder? Luckily, we only have to endure the vest during spring. But I won’t sugarcoat it. Vests are like that Prince song – sad like April.

Aphorisms abound in April. You’ve heard the one about April showers bring May flowers. That’s true, I guess. But you know what else brings May flowers? May.

Everybody knows that Spring is Sprung. “Sprung” feels like an improperly conjugated word but it’s an actual, legitimate, if bizarroville kind word. You should only use “sprung” if 1) someone is busting you out of prison or 2) if you’re the rapper Sir Mix A Lot and you got a round thing in your face. Then you might “get sprung”. Otherwise, watch your step. You don’t want to get a sprung in that thing.

Yes, spring is in the air. That may look like a rain/ sleet/snow mix but no, no. The Poets insist it’s Spring. And they know more than mere meteorologists. (Although to be sure, I would gladly watch the Pay per View special “Cage Match, Winner takes All, Poet versus Meteorologist”.) Spring… so be it. We must be stronger than spring. Or at the very least pretend like we’re equal to the mountain of cold and damp that is Spring. It is not a question of if spring will knock us down. It is a question of if we will get back up. Or out of bed at all. Just going to the bathroom doesn’t count. It is April. Sometimes it snows in April. And sometimes it snows in April a lot. Try getting to May without it.