Spring Cleaning

 

In the Hundred Acre Wood, during the season of spring, you will find Piglet spring cleaning, beating his rugs outside his tree house. Some say spring cleaning comes from Persian New Year (first day of Spring) or the Jewish anticipation of Passover. Others say it’s just the first time you can leave the windows open. Either way, it’s the time to streamline. But how?

Marie Kondo, a Japanese organizing consultant and author of The Lifechanging Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing, says we should get rid of every article of clothing that doesn’t “spark joy”. I think she has a different relationship with wardrobe than I do. Do my pants “spark joy” in me? No. But my pants do keep me from getting arrested when I go out.

If I got rid of all of the clothes that did not “spark joy” I would be left wearing suspenders and a wooden barrel. Suspenders and a wooden barrel are good at quickly covering up in a pinch but they’re not what I would call functional wear. I mean, you can’t go for a light jog sporting suspenders and a wooden barrel. You can’t really drive your sports car rocking suspenders and a wooden barrel. And try dancing a waltz whilst donning the suspenders and a wooden barrel. Can’t be done. On the other hand, suspenders and a wooden barrel is probably the closest you’re going to get to feeling like the Kool-Aid Man. So, there’s that.

I mean, Ms. Kondo is right. Why do I need twenty t-shirts? To which she might follow up with: Why do you estimate the number of t-shirts at twenty when there’s clearly more? Valid questions, Ms. Kondo, but if I don’t actually count the number of t-shirts, I possess then I am as free as an ostrich.

Okay. I counted the number of t-shirts I owned. The number is embarrassingly high. So high I don’t think I can print it here. But I will say it is north of forty and that’s not counting the t-shirt I have on. Ms. Kondo might gently remind me: What about the handful of t-shirts you have in the laundry? Well, err, I… okay. Fine. The real number is closer to, sigh, fifty. Yes, that’s ridiculous, especially considering I only wear one shirt at a time. Thus, in the interest of spring, in the spirit of Piglet, I shall indulge Ms. Kondo.

Ms. Kondo might start with low hanging fruit: Why do you need three green t-shirts, considering you do not care for green? My answer is that each and every green t-shirt has sentimental value. One is from a tennis tournament; another was hand-made by a good friend; and one was a gift from the in-laws. Ms. Kondo would counter, but you have never worn one of them and you’ve had most for over a decade. Well, Ms. Kondo, that is true as far as it goes but each t-shirt is a slightly different shade of green (Kelley, army, olive). Ms. Kondo: But you have not worn any shade of green… ever. I would respond: I have not worn any shade of green… yet. What if, one day I should attend a St. Patrick’s Day outing? Green will be required. Ms. Kondo: Even when you were single, which was ages ago, and you had time to partake in St. Patty’s Day shenanigans, you never went to one. Not one.

Look, Kondo. You’re coming in hot. It’s true I have a lot of t-shirts but that is not all my fault. Some people literally fire those things out of a cannon and my instinct, it’s just the way I was born, is to catch it. I am just the way nature made me.

Ms. Kondo simply stares at me.

Fine. Have it your way, Kondo. I will choose one green tee to send on its way. I will let go of the… hmm… the green tennis t-shirt.

I lay it flat on the bed so can see it one last time and my wife blows through and says – Never seen that shirt before. I tell her I’m getting rid of it and she says: I can sleep in that thing! and she scoops it up. The garment moves from one side of the closet to the other.

I dunno. After further consideration, Marie Kondo is a little hard to take seriously. The title of her book, The Lifechanging Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing, sure seems like it could use some tidying up. But maybe The Lifechanging Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing is all one word in Japanese?