Spring Break 2022!

 

Spring Break 2022! They say it’s gonna be epic! But is it? Let us consider.

Spring Break is a strangely named week in March wherein the schools, the same ones that were hitherto educating our children, for some inexplicable reason, set them free. So, this is a break… for the schools, I guess. Parents, however, are suddenly responsible for kids they might have forgotten about. I’m told some parents are quite surprised to see children suddenly about the house, clamoring for things – like a week of your life.

I don’t know why or who exactly needs a week (or in some cases two?!) off in early March. Wasn’t there just a long winter break in December that bled into January? Then there’s MLK Day. And I already went to town on Presidents Day. And February’s the shortest month of the year!? So, who is exactly is so exhausted from exactly a month and change of work? I do not say this to diminish what teachers and schools do. They are the unsung heroes of this country, maybe the whole world. But are our students already burned out? It’s not even a leap year. Some people go skiing for Spring Break. I like skiing. It’s good, clean, outdoor fun. But it’s not the first choice for me. From where I sit, I look out of my window at snow for what used to be five months but, thanks to global warming, is now only four months of the year. I never once think, this snow is nice, but I wonder what different, other snow looks like.

Some people, if you can call them that, go on a cruise. When it comes to the cruise, David Foster Wallace’s essay/argument: A Supposedly Fun Thing I’ll Never Do Again lays out a comprehensive argument against the thing. And one usually doesn’t expand on David Foster Wallace. I mean, his titles are more precise than most essays, his essays have the foundational underpinnings of a novel, and his novels are a length some might call Russian. But on the cruise, David Foster Wallace’s eloquent soliloquy is only the tip of the iceberg. I cannot get into the weeds in a column so I will just offer this: The cruise is the only man-made contrivance that challenges the notion that the destination is the journey.

For those looking for the soul-sucking, existential terribleness of a cruise but without all the inconveniences of an actual cruise… you might be a college student. Six coeds pile into Daddy’s SUV and take shifts to drive 24 hours straight to “beautiful”, if that’s the word I want, South Padre Island/Fort Lauderdale! Once there, twelve “friends” share a room with two queen beds. One quick-thinking lad will even claim the bathtub as his own. These kids proceed to party for six days and seven nights. This week challenges the notion that college is a place for higher education.

I should mention that I just enjoyed a week in the sun. People were at the pool or beach, with their kids, by ten in the morning, already with a drink in their hand. And look, I’m not going to let a chance go by to slam hard seltzers, but who starts drinking at ten in the morning? Apparently, a lot of people. The kind of people who enjoy hard seltzers. I understand these same hard seltzers are also very popular on cruises.

For a slightly more exotic destination, Tijuana, Mexico is just a stone’s throw over the border. Tijuana, Mexico boasts all of the crime, food-borne illnesses, and grime Mexico is famous for with absolutely none of the completely valid reasons to visit Anywhere but Tijuana, Mexico. Some people even, and I wish I was kidding, get there by way of a cruise.

After further investigation, the reason why Spring Break isn’t much of a break for parents is because of the kids. The problem, more specifically, is that wherever you go, you have to, and I’ve looked into this, by law, take your kids with you. If there was a way to leave the kids out of it, that would put a whole new spin on the thing. But you can’t do it. By law. I’ve asked. A few times. There’s no wiggle room on this. The law is very clear.

Look, I know it’s hard raising kids. They’re needy, immature. It’s like you have to teach them everything. When are you going to contribute? Can’t you get a job? How about you making dinner for a change? “I don’t know how!” my three-year-old whines. So, I know how it is. But are kids really a good reason to start drinking at ten in the morning? And if kids really are a good reason to start drinking at ten in the morning, shouldn’t we, and I hope this is more than just good Spring Break advice, aspire to more than hard seltzer?

So, Spring Break is hard on parents. But what about kids? Most kids are excited to get out of school right up until the moment you tell them they’ll be spending their free time with their parents. Then it’s kind of a wash.

In the end, Spring Break is, at least where I live, with six inches of fresh snow as far as the eye can see, not yet spring and, for anyone with kids, literally the opposite of a break. But will it be epic? I suppose, technically – if we’re referring to how long this one week feels. Frankly, just thinking about it is exhausting. But our teachers, for whom I legitimately have the upmost love and respect for, deserve a break. Sacrifices must be made. We will give them Spring Break. It will be, sigh, epic.