Cook County News Herald

Speaking with Sasquatch



Joining thousands of people who have taken blurry pictures of Sasquatch is Rob Perez. But why are the pictures all so blurry? It’s a question Rob put to Sasquatch in a highly exclusive interview. Staff photo Rob Perez

Joining thousands of people who have taken blurry pictures of Sasquatch is Rob Perez. But why are the pictures all so blurry? It’s a question Rob put to Sasquatch in a highly exclusive interview. Staff photo Rob Perez

Somewhere in Northern Minnesota, at an undisclosed location, the hour approaching twilight, Rob Perez sat down with Sasquatch. The following conversation transpired.

ROB: Thank you for reaching out. I was surprised and thrilled to get your message.

SASQUATCH: Sasquatch read Rob Perez column. Rob Perez talk to many Sasquatch friends. Now Sasquatch want talk.

R: I’m flattered. Shall we begin? (Sasquatch nods.) You’re known by many names. Sasquatch, Bigfoot, Chupacabra. Do you have a favorite?

S: Name just semantics. Important thing is people talk of Sasquatch.

R: I see. Very good. Some say you’re a myth. Others say you’re real. Where do you stand?

S: Big question. Sasquatch turn question back to Rob Perez. Can myth be real?

R: Hmm. I think so.

S: If man believe myth, then maybe real and not real same.

R: Interesting. I know privacy is important to you, but in a general sense, where do you live?

S: Sasquatch live many place – swamp, cave. Sasquatch also sometime live in hollow log but hollow log drafty.

R: I see. And what do you eat?

S: Sasquatch hunt fish, deer, moose. Sasquatch good hunter. Mostly. One animal too clever, always elude Sasquatch. Creature very cunning, very wily.

R: What animal is that?

S: Rabbit. Rabbit very shrewd, very guileful. Rabbit make Sasquatch very angry. But one day Sasquatch catch rabbit. Sasquatch hope. Also, Sasquatch eat berry. Berry season berry good for Sasquatch. Ha Ha. Sasquatch make berry joke.

R: Nice one. Let’s move on. When you reached out, you said you… and I’m quoting, “want talk of picture blur”. I assume you were referring to the many pics of you – or others like you – that are of questionable authenticity and, well, blurry. Let’s talk.

S: Thank you for ask nice question. When Sasquatch little ape-man, all pictures of Sasquatch blurry. It family running joke. Family say, “Ha Ha where Sasquatch?”. But then Sasquatch get older and Sasquatch try to make blurry picture on purpose. Camera move left, Sasquatch go right. Camera still, Sasquatch turn to side. Every picture of Sasquatch blurry. Many times Sasquatch not even in picture. But man still look at picture for long time. Man debate picture. Man contemplate picture. Then Sasquatch see Sasquatch has gift. But make blurry picture odd gift. Sasquatch father say ignore odd gift and go into family business.

R: But you dreamed of being more?

S: Yes! Sasquatch want be… artist.

R: This is not where I thought this conversation was going.

S: But half-man, half-ape artist not possible! Man mostly not make good art. Ape always not make good art. But what art, Sasquatch ask. Art not artist. Art… art.

R: Are you saying anyone can make art?

S: Sasquatch say–

R: Or are you saying art is everywhere, even if you can’t see it?

S: Sasquatch say—

R: Or are you saying–

S: — Please quiet small, hairless man. R: I apologize. The floor is yours.

(Sasquatch takes a moment to compose himself.)

S: Sasquatch say Sasquatch make art. So Sasquatch make… performance art.

R: Wowzers. Are you telling me the movement is the performance and the picture – blurry pictures, empty pictures – is the art?

S: Or maybe movement just metaphor?

R: This is heavy stuff. So, what does Sasquatch art mean?

S: Sasquatch not like say art mean this or art mean that. Instead, Sasquatch make question: If life movement… if movement metaphor… then maybe life…

R: …itself is metaphor for art?! Absolutely Incredible!! I’m blown away. This is all so very unexpected.

S: Sasquatch like make unexpected.

R: Well, here’s a follow up question. You’re clearly a very wise, very knowing being. Given that, why do you think you struggle so much with syntax?

S: Life sometimes like this. One thing clear – like art. One thing not clear – like rabbit. Too much wily. Sasquatch think rabbit run one way. But no. Rabbit run different way. Why? Sasquatch not know.

R: I suppose we all have blind spots. Thank you. Thank you for taking the time. Thank you for sharing. Forgive me if I’m a little… off. This whole thing has been a bit of a…

S: …blur?

R: That’s the word. (then) I don’t mean to be presumptuous, but we’re losing light here. Can we finish with a picture?

S: Yes. We make picture.

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