Some Like it Hot

 

It’s hot out there. Real hot. How hot? Well, it’s since the 1980s, each decade has been warmer than the previous one. And, since there’s not a big, concerted push to do much about it, you should expect the trend to continue. It’s going to be hot. Smoking hot. Like the end of “Raiders of the Lost Arc” where the guy’s face melts off hot. Like Icarus hot.

So how do you beat the heat? Here are some ideas.

The pros, after a big game, take an ice bath. Ice baths constrict the blood flow and relieve swelling. But ice baths are pretty intense. Maybe instead you could just reread Eugene O’Neil’s’ “The Iceman Cometh”. By the end you’ll be too depressed to be hot. Or pick up any play by Tennessee Williams. “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof ” is red hot but the entire oeuvre swelters. If that’s too literary, watch the original Top Gun. Ice Man lives within. He is very cool.

Or make yourself a drink. Over ice. There are plenty of options. Iced tea. Lemonade. But the most forgotten drink has to be ice water. It’s hydrating and it burns calories. Your body has to work to heat it up. Skeptics may point out that drinking a glass of ice water only burns about five calories. Yes, but if you drink ten cups a day for, say, two years straight, then you’ll burn enough calories to enjoy one basket of unlimited bread rolls at the Olive Garden.

Or maybe you’d care for something stronger? Rose, mojitos, and mint julips come to mind. A chilled Sauvignon Blanc is nice this time of year. Basically, you can drink anything other than a hot toddy or Irish coffee. Of course, alcohol may not be the thing that cools you down but personally, I’ve noticed in the evenings, right around happy hour, a good stiff drink really cools things off. It may be a coincidence but why chance it?

Another thing you can do is migrate. North. Like to the North Pole. I imagine Santa gets pretty lonely this time of year. I mean, if the only company you had were elves, you might long for another voice. Perhaps you could Airbnb an igloo? An igloo is probably the coolest house there is.

Or you can just “be cool”. I mean, if you can really truly “be cool” then you’re not going to sweat something like a little heat. One of the coolest cats I know is a dog. Snoopy transformed himself in Joe Cool with a pair of sunglasses and very committed lean against the wall. And Fonzie from Happy Days was very cool right up until he jumped that shark. James Dean is probably the coolest movie star in history. He was the first guy to really wear denim. You’ve gotta be cool to rock denim. Then James Dean died very young, albeit in a very cool way.

Another really cool thing to do is change your name. No more of this first and last nonsense. You want to be a mononym. You know who’s cool? Aristotle, Confucius, Homer, Plato, and Voltaire were cool. So cool that Cher, Rhianna, Madonna, Banksy, and Adele jumped on the one-named bandwagon. And, of course, Sinbad. Prince was øn another level. He evolved into a symbol. But that’s probably a stretch for the rest of us.

Some might protest, I’m sort of attached to my name. Well Steve Smith in accounting, let me tell you something. You would be cooler, much cooler, if you were just Steveriño.

Some people beat the heat with a fan. I don’t know why fans work. Boy, it’s hot in here. You know what might help? More of this hot air. A rush of this hot air. Whoosh. But certain people seem to think they work and keep pushing air around. I’ve seen a lot of useless fans in my day but the most useless fan I’ve seen is a personal fan that plugs into your phone. Let’s be clear, if you’re working up a sweat on your phone, you don’t need a fan. You need exercise.

But my favorite way to beat the heat is to complain. Of course, some will always say: don’t complain, do something about it. But complaining, technically, is doing something. Also complaining is sort of in my wheelhouse so take it from me when I say: to get the absolute most out of your complaint, you’ll want to be precise. For example, instead of saying: It’s really hot. You might try the Neil Simon’s approach: It’s hot. It’s like Africa hot. Tarzan couldn’t take this kind of hot. Biloxi Blues is a high bar, but I say go big or go home.

Like I said, it’s hot out there. Real hot. Red hot. You’ll want to find a way to beat the heat. Maybe get a buzz cut.