Shame is something we’ve all experienced at one time or another, and it’s generally not a good feeling, let alone a feeling we want to talk about. When we do talk about shame, what we’re talking about is that feeling of being unworthy, of not being “good enough.” Shame is the feeling that tells us that if only we were different in some way, smarter, stronger, tougher, maybe then we’d deserve things like love, acceptance, and care for ourselves.
In abusive relationships, this sense of shame is often compounded by a culture that focuses on a survivor’s actions (or perceived inaction). Statements such as “why doesn’t she/he just leave” or “didn’t she/he see the warning signs?” cause some survivors to feel that they are somehow at fault for the abuse.
In an article posted recently on loveisrespect.org, youth organizer and survivor Anitra, shared her experience saying, “It wasn’t just the abusive relationship that was hard, but the shame and embarrassment that I felt afterwards. I felt like I had done something wrong, and since I didn’t recognize the signs, it was my fault and I deserved it. I didn’t want anyone to know about my experience, and the shame alone almost led me back to my abusive partner. For many people, it does.”
Anitra’s experience illustrates the experience of many survivors. This idea that a person could somehow deserve abuse or be unworthy of a caring, healthy relationship exists because of shame, and because of the crippling fear that people will find out about the abuse, judge the survivor, and find them wanting.
So what can we do to change this culture of shame and secrecy? How can we support each other, respect one another, and come to a place where we recognize that every person deserves love, care, and respect? The answer is empathy.
We each have the capacity to show empathy, the ability to feel with others, and to use it to banish shame and fear and judgment. This quote by researcher Brene Brown illustrates the relationship between shame and empathy perfectly.
She writes, “If we’re going to find our way back to each other, we have to understand and know empathy, because empathy is the antidote to shame. If you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can’t survive. The two most powerful words when we’re in struggle: me too…If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.”
This means that when we are there for each other, when we listen and offer unconditional acceptance, we are able to erode and even eradicate those feelings of shame and unworthiness that can keep people from obtaining the safety, health, and happiness they deserve. As such, the task for all of us when someone we know is hurting, is to put aside our own judgments, advice, and prescriptions, get out our Petri dish of empathy, and by means of acceptance and listening, restore faith in the fact that everyone is deserving and worthy of love and belonging.
Each month a local mental health therapist will discuss an area of mental health. This month’s contributor is Marybeth Wilkes, program advocate at the Violence Prevention Center.
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