Orbiting the earth, moving swiftly in the night sky—that’s not the kind of satellite I’m talking about. No. I’m talking about the down-to-earth portable toilet satellite found at crowded outdoor activities.
Recently I was forced to use these portable restrooms during the Back to the Fifties car show at the Minnesota State Fairgrounds. After two days of satellite usage, I feel qualified to pass on the knowledge I gained. Here are five suggestions you might find helpful the next time you are faced with the shiny blue of a portable pottie.
. Number One: (No pun intended) Slow down your liquid intake, not an easy task when temps soar into the 80s and a hot sun beats down on your head. I’d emptied most of my water bottle before realizing my mistake. Uh oh. I considered a run to the grandstand with its regular normal restrooms but realized almost immediately, the distance was too far. What about the “Crafts” building? Also too far. I cast a grim eye surveying my surroundings, and there, right around the corner, through masses of people, I spied the bright blue of a row of portable potties. Ugh. This brings me to the next tip.
. Number Two: (Again, no pun intended) Seek out an isolated satellite if possible. I, of course, hadn’t, so with grim determination, trudged through the throng and took my place in line. I stood politely wishing all those people ahead of me would disappear.
. Number Three: Knock before entering. I should have been monitoring the situation, but I happened to look up and notice the space needle moving slowly skyward. Something interesting to watch while waiting in line, I thought, and focused my attention upward. When I looked back down, I was delighted to see the green symbol on the next pottie, meaning it was empty.
I opened the door—and there stood a very tall man! I did a vertical high jump and a shriek as we faced each other. Fortunately, he had finished and was ready to leave. We both apologized profusely. I still don’t know if he had forgotten to turn the latch showing the red “occupied” symbol or whether he was about to open the door when I beat him to it. Ten minutes later, my heart finally stopped racing.
. Number Four: Be positive about the actual experience. Most porta potties are kept clean. Nevertheless it’s hard to feel happy once you are inside. I tried to ignore the urinal which was staring me in the face by pretending I was in an airplane, flying to Paris. That felt a bit classier, and I was more comfortable with my surroundings.
. Number Five: Never look at the person coming out before you. No explanation necessary.
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