Once upon a time two frogs fell into a large pail of cream. Frantically, the frogs climbed on each other, splashed furiously, and did whatever they could to stay afloat. As they grew weary and ever more fearful of drowning, they thrashed about more desperately. Finally approaching exhaustion, the frogs ceased struggling and prepared for the worst. Only then did they realize what their terrified minds never saw: All their seemingly futile and frustrating struggles had started turning the cream into butter. Their random efforts were creating a platform on which they could float. The frogs saw new purpose to their struggles and renewed their efforts with determination and collaboration. They kicked with less angst and paddled with greater ease. Eventually their efforts allowed them to rise above the cream. What once threatened their very existence became a resource for survival.
from David Schnarch,
PhD’s 2002 Book
Ever have those moments lately when you say to yourself, “Do I even know my partner anymore?” Living, working, chopping wood, working, play dates, working, hosting, gardening, cleaning, and, did I mention, working on the North Shore this time of year when you’ve had about all you can handle to make enough money to get through the “slow time” of winter brings on feelings of disconnect with your partner.
Then it happens, you have to make a family or financial decision that requires both your input and time together. The conflicts and feelings of despair come to the surface. The disagreements turn into arguments, the time apart turns into feeling alone, and sometimes you lose sight of why all this busyness and arguing in your relationship is worthwhile.
Anxiety comes riding in on the back of uncertainty when how things are currently going is no longer acceptable. Anxiety in relationships is like the frogs first falling into the cream and fearing for their lives. Anxiety has purpose. It keeps your relationship lively and excited. You have to tolerate uncertainty in your relationship for it to grow and flourish (aka make butter). No one ever tells you that anxiety and discord in your relationship makes the relationship stronger. The reason the anxiety exists is because one or both of you is trying to find a new way of being together. This produces uncertainty.
Being nervous about how your relationship works is normal. Nervousness and anxiety are not only normal, they’re part of the deal. The more you churn and work through and participate in your relationship the stronger the foundation and the more butter you get!
It’s important that the work you do in your relationship is productive and supportive of each other. As spouses and partners our anxiety can lead us toward connection, deeper conversation, and a new or renewed sharing in life. You can also use your anxiety to escape, wall yourself off, and disappear.
Next time you feel anxious, you might ask yourself, “What do I want now?” And, “What do I want to do?” This is just a good way to make a positive use of your anxiety. You will be surprised to find how our anxiety fades when you answer your own questions. In fact by offering these questions to an anxious spouse, partner, or friend you may find a stronger connection with them. You can move toward or away from life – it is all your choice.
If you feel stuck or that your relationship is continuing to struggle without making small strides there are many resources (books, on-line groups, etc.) to help you and your partner recognize the anxiety or come to terms with other issues that may be undermining your relationship’s success. Seeing a couples therapist is one resource for identifying how each of you operates independently and helps you identify together what you would like to change in the relationship.
Each month a local mental health therapist will discuss an area of mental health. This week’s contributor is Sherri Moe, MS Psychotherapist.
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