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October was a lot of skeletons and zombies and ghosts, and it made me realize that Halloween omits an important step before the afterlife. The transition. All of these spirits were once living but now they’re dead. Fine, technically a zombie is undead. Which is a little confusing. The prefix “un” means the absence of something. So, if you’re unlikable, no one likes you. So, I don’t understand how “undead” means dead but not dead. Anyway, I’m not sure whether you would want to have a service for the undead. I don’t know the etiquette on that one. But the ghosts and skeletons and zombies were once living. And now they’re dead. So, my question is: what did they think of their send off? Good turnout? Was there the right amount of weeping and wailing? I mean, you want some waterworks. But wall-to-wall waterworks requires an arc, and those things are really hard to park.
Funerals reveal a lot about people. Not the deceased so much as the attendees. For example, take the very first people to arrive at a funeral. They’re usually among the oldest. They might be window-shopping. Some people tour homes to get decorating ideas. The early bird uses a funeral to “get some ideas”. That guy was buried in a car! What does gas cost in the afterlife? That woman is going to the afterlife in a fur?! In Texas? I would think layers but maybe she knows something I don’t.
Recently I did a lap at a funeral and talked to some of the first to arrive and learned they were from out of town. More specifically, they had come the farthest for this thing. And that makes sense. I mean, if you’ve come a long, long way, you don’t want to miss any of the action. You want a good seat. So, you might want something near the front, but also near an aisle in case nature calls.
It’s also possible guests are shopping for a venue. You might see a guest surreptitiously pick up a price list on the way in. You don’t want to study it until later but is it wrong to just glance at it? The next thing to consider in a room is vibe. Is the place the right amount of solemn? I mean, you want something solemn – but not too solemn, if you know what I mean. Then you want to consider the room size. If the room’s too big, then it’s going to make the turnout look small. No one wants that. On the other hand, if it’s too small, then the overflow might create a standing room only section. Which is better than too small. But the question is – and it’s a doozy – how many people will come to the sendoff? Ten? Certainly. Fifty? Good question. Seventy-five? Hard to say. Would people line the streets like they did for the queen? That’s a hard no.
One thing I really wish they had at funerals is refreshments. I know there’s the reception after. But what about during? For some reason I get really thirsty at these things. I’m just parched. Maybe it’s from watching all those people cry. Maybe it’s because I deliberately didn’t drink very much before the event because I didn’t want to be the guy who had to go to the bathroom right in the middle of a speaker yowling. I’m just saying, I bet someone would make a killing if they opened a lemonade stand. It wouldn’t have to be right in the middle of everything. It could be just off to the side. Tasteful, understated, hydrating.
The weirdest thing at some funerals is the open casket. I mean, I know they’re embalmed so the body’s not in a state of decay or anything but they’re still dead. And maybe this is just my opinion but… dead people aren’t the best-looking people on the planet. For one, the moment they died, the deceased were the absolute oldest they would ever be. Do you want people to remember you at your absolute oldest? Before you answer that, know that the deceased was the oldest they would ever be. THEN they died. THEN AFTER THAT they took the body to the funeral home, parked it in the ice box for a bit, and then, when they got the paperwork in order, THEN got it embalmed. So, no wonder the body looks, well, um, like that. Guests will wander up to the casket, take a quick look and think I don’t remember Jack wearing so much makeup.
The other people you gotta feel for at services/ funerals/burials are the practicing Buddhists. There they are – working day and night – totally focused on staying in the moment, live in the present, one breath in, one breath out. Then they show up to a funeral and the whole thing is a non-stop walk down memory lane.
Look, we’ll all end up in the afterlife soon enough. I’ve never seen anyone skip it. I’m just saying, what’s the rush? Let’s make sure and enjoy the transition. It’s a sendoff. It’s a celebration of life. And you might want to bring a light snack.
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