Older American Month

 

Through no fault of my own, it has come to my attention that May is Older American Month. This gave me pause. Let me see if I have this straight. May is a month. I get that. For Older Americans. Um, what the what?!

Since, for some inexplicable reason, Older American Month is an actual, real thing, I have requested this week’s column be printed in a slightly bigger font. This accomplishes a few goals. This week, in addition to my headshot, older Americans will also be able enjoy the words. Also, fewer words suits older Americans and their shorter attention spans. (Did you make it this far, Greg?)

Now, however ridiculous or absurd or asinine you may think a month celebrating older Americans is, however pointless or preposterous or ludicrous you might believe designating thirty-one days in May as a time for the old folk, one person would think even less of this event. His name is David Bowie. As you may know, David Bowie prefers young Americans. He thinks young Americans are, and I’m quoting here, “all right”. (Bowie would not embrace the phrase Hunky Dory until later in his career.) And the length of time these young Americans are “all right”? All night.

At the time, David Bowie was hitherto known around the world for his glam-rock creation Ziggy Stardust. But then, in 1975, he went in a completely new direction. David Bowie, the man Rolling Stone would one day call “the greatest rock star ever,” left glam-rock behind and entered a new phase of his career I will call: demographic rock. Bowie was so besotted with this young American demographic that he named not just a song after them but an entire record.

My question about Older Americans Month is: aren’t we all older Americans this month? And I don’t mean that as a rally cry or anything. I’m just saying – everyone is getting older. Literally everyone. I have a three-year old and a nine-year old. You know what they got in May? Older. I have a nonagenarian friend who spent most of the month on his riding mower. You know what he got this month? Older. (Hi Wyatt!) And a friend of mine’s mom in her 80s… you know she got in May? Well, she died. So I guess she didn’t get any older. I mean, she was getting older right up until she stopped getting older. So I suppose not everyone gets older in May.

Also, just this week I did hear about not one but two people who were resuscitated after four plus hours of freezing to death. My doctor friend tells me, unlike drowning or dying at a regular temperature, the brain is basically fine because it’s on ice. (Don’t try it at home) My doctor friend says it’s like science fiction or cryogenics or something. The science is above my paygrade but I suppose I have to concede that those two guys legitimately did not get any older for the handful of hours they were frozen. But other than those who almost died and actually died, everyone else got older.

Everyone except Genevieve, I guess. I have one super annoying friend who seems to be getting younger. I do not know how Genevieve does it. She says it’s just leading a healthy lifestyle, eating well, exercising, finding meaning in her relationships and work. But I think she’s being coy. I want to know about the supplements because I can’t be expected to change my life in order to lead a better life?! I mean, that’s crazy talk. I just want to do look as young as Genevieve without doing all the things Genevieve’s doing to look as young as Genevieve. Is that too much to ask?

Anyway, it’s Older American month. You can tell because this column is in a slightly bigger font. So, if you’re reading this column, and you’re American, well, way to get older.