Ode to the Rock

 

Consider the rock. Earth, the third rock from the sun, is a big rock. Our big rock of a planet is covered with a bunch of small rocks. Rocks, as I understand them from my dispassionate Google search, are basically lava that cooled down, quickly, slowly, or underground and are categorized as igneous, sedimentary, and metamorphic. Also, the big ones are heavy.

But the real question is: Is the rock good or bad?

Many think highly of the rock. If you’re solid as a rock, that’s good. Others don’t think much of the rock. If you’re dumber than a box of rocks, that’s not good. If you’re my rock, good. If you’re between a rock and a hard place, not good. If you’re Dwane “The Rock” Johnson, good.

The rock inspired a genre of music called Rock. Subgenres, all named after different kinds of rocks, include hard rock, punk rock, glam rock, indie rock, blues rock, Chicano rock, garage rock, pop rock, space rock, the tautologically named stoner rock, swamp rock, and if I never heard this music again, I’d be a better human being – soft rock.

Not surprisingly, rock music produced many passionate paeans about the rock. Twisted Sister is adamant: We want to rock! On the other hand, Michael Jackson wants a special someone to Rock with you. We will rock you by Queen is about, “with great power comes great responsibility.” Bill Haley and the Comets praise rocks’ timeless nature in Rock around the Clock. The Scorpions sing of climate change in Rock me like a Hurricane. And Neil Young belts out of geology in democracy in his classic: Rockin’ in the free world.

Rocks on the North Shore of Minnesota are really old. How old? Older than dirt. Sure, that sounds old but to be exact, the rocks on the North Shore are pegged to be about 1.1 billion years old, or Precambrian, or as I call it – really old. In fact, the North Shore is basically one big rock, a string of hardened lava flows. And as someone said, “out of one, many.” Which is how many rocks we have on the North Shore. Many.

But what are the best rocks? Though I am not a geologist, I think I did take one geology class in college to fulfill a requirement and since then I’ve done much with rocks. Skipped. Painted. I’ve been highly critical of rock sculpture. I’ve observed the industrious mine for rock. I’ve stacked rocks, though I’ve never taken a seminar. (These really exist.) In my younger years, when playing Rock, Paper, Scissors, I lived (and sometimes died) by the motto: “Nothing beats Rock”. These days I often order my drinks on the rocks. Thus, with so much rock experience I’m prepared to offer my list of Best Rocks of the North Shore.

5. Basalt. It’s impossible to throw a rock on the North Shore and not hit a piece of Basalt. Basalt is the most common rock around here (and under the oceans). Basalt is bluish, black, and smooth. What it lacks in charm or any other interesting qualities, it makes up for in ubiquity. It’s just there. And there. And… you get it. Also, they’re pretty decent skippers.

4. Rhyolite. If Basalt formed from the blue kind of lava, Rhyolite comes from the other kind of lava, the red kind. Rhyolite is reddish and bumpy and the thing that makes it better than Basalt is it looks nicer on a beach because water is blue, and contrast is important.

3. Granite. It’s not just for gravestones anymore! The Basalt of the land, Granite is the most common exposed bedrock on Earth. And yet, the granite you find on the North Shore is not from around here. Weird huh? Glaciers brought the granite you see here from the Canadian Shield to the North Shore. Fun fact: Once The New York Times called granite “down to earth” and granite bumped Formica from the top of the kitchen countertop scene. These days a nice way to enjoy granite is on a visit to Mount Rushmore.

2. Quartz. The only rock that can tell time; Quartz is a crystalline mineral that comes in the largest variety of colors of all the rocks on this list, including transparent, blue, rose, purple, smoky, yellow, and green. It is also the only rock on this list that they actually make in a lab because they use it in electronics. Quartz is also used for crystal healing, an alternative medicine practice that many find hilarious.

1. Agate. The most coveted rock in all of Minnesota, though I wonder what Hemingway would think of the brave Agate hunter searching high and low for his prize. This brown, vaguely translucent rock bewitches many, perplexes others. 30,000 people are part of a Facebook group, Lake Superior Agate Collectors. Some say the agate is “less annoying than Thomsonite” because it’s not buried in basalt. If you are unimpressed with the unpolished version, you can get yourself a rock tumbler and treat yourself to weeks and weeks of the sound of rocks churning over and over and over against a fine grit in your basement. In the end you will enjoy a shiny agate, which is better than the not shiny agate because, hey, shiny!