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At a local Mediterranean restaurant, Rob enters and sees Julius Caesar, sporting a white toga, sipping wine at a booth in the back. Rob crosses to him.
Rob: You must be Julius Caesar.
JULIUS CAESAR: Please just call me, JC.
R: Can do.
Rob sits, looks around.
R: Nice place.
JC: I’m a big fan of the Mediterranean diet.
R: I bet. JC, should we jump right in?
JC: Carpe diem.
R: Ah, Latin. I want to come back to that. Let’s see. You achieved a lot in your lifetime. (Refers to notes) A successful military general, led a successful civil war, eventually became dictator. But what I want to know is… Can you tell me about the Caesar salad?
JC sizes Rob up. JC pours Rob a glass of wine. They drink. JC: So many of these interviews focus on the whole fall of Rome thing but never mention my salad.
R: No, no. For me your salad is why I’m here. How did it come to you?
JC: Well, when one invents a salad, the place to start is with the lettuce.
R: Yes, yes. I see.
JC: Is there anything more important than lettuce?
R: Like… in life?
JC: I considered it all. Iceberg, spring mix, spinach. I went through a kale phase. At a low point… radicchio. I was desperate. But with romaine, I knew I had something.
R: Yes, the lettuce is perfect. But the thing is the dressing. Correct me if I’m wrong, it’s lemon, parmesan, eggs, olive oil, Worcestershire sauce, and anchovies.
JC: Quite right.
R: And my question is – did you get pushback on the anchovies?
JC: One senator thought it too salty. I had him assassinated.
R: Assassinated over an anchovy?
JC: (shrugs) I was a dictator. Plus, I was on the verge of a whole new salad! The inspiration for the dressing came from a soothsayer. She had visions. She saw something tangy!
R: What does “tangy” look like?
JC: You’d have to ask her. But I heeded her advice, found the right ratio of those ingredients you mentioned, and veni, vedi, tangy.
R: Hail Caesar!
JC: Well, it’s funny that you should put it like that. In fact, “Hail Caesar” was not, as the historians told you, a way for someone to state his alliance. It was just a funny way to order a salad.
R: Really?
JC: Oh, yes. The common people thought that bit was hilarious.
R: Interesting. Coming back to the soothsayers… I understand one said, “beware the ides”.
JC: Yes. That part’s true.
R: It was ominous. It was a warning.
JC: Still true.
R: And you dismissed her prognostications?
JC: And that’s untrue. I like soothsayers. I think they’re a very powerful tool that are right about the future about half the time. So, I took this woman’s advice very seriously: She said: Beware the ides. But the thing is… I thought she was talking about my bracket.
R: Your… March Madness bracket?
JC: Yeah. We always do one at work. And so, I changed my bracket. Unfortunately, she was not talking about college basketball.
R: So, it sounds like Shakespeare got that wrong. In general, are you a fan of the bard?
JC: (sigh) As I writer, I find Bill dated.
R: Well, many of his plays are still performed today.
JC: Surely that’s just a function of theater people wanting to wear tights. Let’s get specific. The Tragedy of Julius Caesar.
R: Just the play I was coming to.
JC: It’s a play and all that. But for me… I would have liked to see him try the story as a comedy.
R: A comedy?
JC: Exactly! The Comedy of Julius Caesar! Instead of all the politics and speeches and war, more zingers, more physical comedy.
R: That certainly would be a different take.
JC: Yes. Yes, it would.
JC and Rob drink from their wine. JC looks at his watch.
R: Maybe a natural place to end this would be to get your thoughts on Brutus.
JC: Et tu, Rob?
R: I guess the question is more about Latin – the language. And my question is… cur?
JC: Come again?
R: Cur, as you know, in Latin, means “why”. In the play it’s English, English, more English, and then… Et tu, Brute, is in Latin. So, cur, vir, cur?
JC: Well, Latin was not the only language spoken in ancient Rome. Also, gravitas.
R: Gravitas?
JC. Gravitas. That’s Latin.
R: Yes, I know but… (then) JC, you’ve been a good sport. You gave the world a heckuva salad. Thank you for being you.
JC: In vino veritas.
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