Cook County News Herald

High fructose corn syrup levels cause climate change


OMG…my old friend Daryl Popkes…I had feared the Pleiadians had abducted you during our local portal event in April.

I read your letter last week, while sipping my kale smoothly through a paper straw, and came to realize that you were correct, Dr. John Abraham, self declared climate scientist is a hack, period! The real cause of climate change is actually related to high fructose corn syrup. Please let me explain.

As capitalism has exported the fast food industry around the globe, the rapidly increasing world population has gained an enormous amount of weight (mass). When excess pressure is placed on any object heat is produced… any climate scientist worth his/her sodium chloride (salt) knows that! As the earth’s crust is compressed, the ocean levels will correspondingly rise. As lava escapes from the earth’s core and solidifies, more weight (mass) is added and the pressure-induced heat is further increased. This recently discovered phenomenon is known as the “Bernie-Clausian” effect.

As overall global temps increase, water evaporation also increases. Water vapor then cools in the upper atmosphere producing rain, which in turn will reduce the temperature of the earth’s crust. The good news? Most “self declared” climate scientists predict that things on planet earth will return to normal by October 12, 3017.

So use all the fossil fuel you want Daryl… just stay away from high fructose corn syrup and please eat more kale.

Bob LaMettry
Grand Marais

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.