|
|
Gary the Ghost is long gone from this world but occasionally comes back for a visit. We sat down, (well, I sat, he hovered) somewhere between this world and the next.
Rob: Thanks for taking the time.
Gary: Time is something I have in abundance.
R: Yes, what does eternity feel like?
G: Have you ever spent a winter in Minnesota?
R: I have.
G: Bring a book.
R: I will. This might be a strange place to start but I’d like to get it out of the way. Are you, um, wearing… a sheet?
G: A white sheet. Yes.
R: Why?
G: Well, in medieval Europe, if you couldn’t afford a coffin, you were buried in a white shroud or sheet.
R: Are you from Medieval Europe?
G: No. I’m from New Jersey.
R: I see. So why are you wearing a sheet?
G: I am wearing a white sheet because I like the way it looks when I float.
R: Have you ever considered a patterned sheet?
G: You know what’s not scary? Paisley. Or stripes. Or geometric shapes.
R: Or a sheet.
G: A white sheet is evocative of the dead and yes, most humans think death is scary.
R: I guess. What kind of thread count are we talking here?
G: My thread count is quite high. If you’re going to spend an eternity in a sheet, you want it to be soft.
R: Makes sense. But can we go back? Exactly, why do you float?
G: I think it has something to do with the fact that I’m so light without my corporeal body so my feet never touch the ground. Floating is easier on the joints, of course, but it’s impossible to track my steps now. So that’s annoying.
R: What can you tell us about the afterlife?
G: Well, they say there’s only been about 117 billion people who have lived and died but, I’m telling you, it sure feels like a lot more than that. They say it’s “the infinite” but it feels pretty finite to me. So, in a word – crowded.
R: So, is that why you spend time between this world and the next?
G: Exactly. I like a little elbow room.
R: And when here – your mission is to scare people?
G: Yes.
R: Isn’t that a bit… juvenile?
G: Absolutely. But let me float this by you: life is a bit juvenile.
R: Was that a float joke?
G: Was it?
R: So, you concede scaring people is juvenile and yet your rally cry for the mission, your catch phrase, the most terrifying thing you have to offer is… “boo”?
G: You don’t like the word “boo”?
R: How can “Boo” be a perfectly good nickname for a loved one and a way to scare people?
G: You don’t think it’s about the delivery?
R: Maybe Vincent Price could pull it off, but I don’t know. Lay one on me.
G: Boooooooooooo.
R: Well, I guess not knowing when it’s going to end is a little scary.
G: Look, I know it’s not scary. It’s pathetic is what it is. The moans. The groans.
R: The sheet.
G: The white sheet is a linen for crying out loud! I mean, we’re haunting houses over here. We haunt real estate?! Everything we do is just our way of saying – Look at me! I’m here! I still matter!
R: But if all you’re doing is kind of, sort of, barely scaring people, do ghosts actually matter?
G: Well, for at least one day a year, All Hallow’s Eve, a day to remember the dead, to celebrate the spooky, the day I cross over and mingle with the living, yes, I believe ghosts matter.
R: I do too. Last question: Have you seen the movie Ghostbusters?
G: That film is a classic. I’m a big Bill Murray fan.
R: Bill Murray is the best. Well, I don’t want to keep you. Halloween is nearly here.
G: It is indeed. Thank you. It’s always a treat to talk to the living.
R: I feel the same way about ghosts.
Leave a Reply