Last week I began my column with these words: “Life is full of changes, some of which affect us more profoundly than others. Whether they are anticipated or unexpected, changes often push us to grow and stretch, while also bringing new responsibilities and opportunities. I have found this to be true as I’ve dealt with the unexpected death of my mother. She died in late June, two days after experiencing a severe hemorrhagic stroke.”
My mother was the caregiver for both my 78-year-old dad, who has some health issues, as well as my 51-year old developmentally disabled sister. After Mom’s death, my siblings and I realized that we had to immediately turn our attention to finding the care they needed, both for the short term and the long term. This week I’d like to share a bit of our journey with regard to making arrangements for my sister Haidee.
As we considered Haidee’s situation, we faced several challenges: Haidee needs 24 hour care; we, her five siblings, live in five different cities, in three states; we had little knowledge of the social services that were involved in Haidee’s care; and, we needed to learn more about guardianship and financial issues. As we began to tackle these new responsibilities, we entrusted ourselves to God’s care, asking for wisdom and guidance. We were also grateful to have the prayer support of friends and family. As the days went by, we saw God’s faithfulness to us as we walked through all of the decisions that we faced.
Our short-term issues were resolved when one of my sisters, who lives in the same city as Haidee and Dad, offered to move in with them for a few weeks while we were in transition. The long-term question of where Haidee should live was more difficult. Haidee had always lived with our parents; how would she adjust to new arrangements? Would it be best for her to live with a sibling, in an adult foster care situation or in a group home? What options were available in the area and how do we evaluate whether or not a particular situation is safe and appropriate? How would we feel about entrusting Haidee to the care of people outside of the family?
These and many other questions led us to consult with Haidee’s social worker, the people at her workplace (an organization dedicated to serving those with disabilities) and a lawyer who dealt with guardianship issues.
With regard to adjustments, the social worker explained to us that, in her experience, developmentally disabled persons often handle grief and loss quite well: they tend not to get anxious about the future, to live more in the moment. We found this to be true for Haidee: she expressed her grief with tears and words, but her sadness would turn fairly quickly to whatever was happening around her at the moment. She evidenced a great deal of resiliency in the face of the changes in her life.
As we considered the best living situation for Haidee, we siblings conversed at length, seeking out the input of knowledgeable people and weighing the options. We considered whether any of us were able to take on full-time care for Haidee or if we would rather allow someone else to do the everyday care-giving, while continuing to be active in her life as family members.
One by one our questions were answered and we came to the conclusion that a group home close to Haidee’s workplace, and close to one of our sisters, would be best. We visited several homes that had openings and talked at length with the caregivers, narrowing down our choices to one home that seemed appropriate. When Haidee visited the home, it became clear that this was a good fit for her.
Today she is pleased to “have her own place,” happy to have us visit her, and excited to tell us about the new things she is learning and experiencing! We have found that God has been faithful to us, giving comfort, wisdom and encouragement, as we’ve gone through the challenging process of finding a new home for Haidee.
Each month a member of the
Cook County Ministerium will
offer Spiritual Reflections. For
October, our contributor is
Pastor Deborah Lunde, who
has served as pastor of Zoar
Lutheran Church in Tofte since
July of 2008.
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