Fear Not

 

October is the month where everyone tries to scare me. They plant ghosts and goblins and witches and skeletons in their front yard. And, yes, if you’re into property values, then clutter is indeed a bit scary. Then again, if the goal really is to frighten me, why on earth would you dress these decorations up in funny costumes? I’ve seen skeletons sporting scarecrow garb. Are they trying to scare me or the crows? I’ve seen ghosts donning sunglasses, Goblins rocking Norwegian sweaters, and witches looking less like they’re about to take to the air than they’re about to sweep up.

Some attempt to instill fear with fake cobwebs (cotton stretched out and thin), adding plastic spiders lest I miss the connection. But cobwebs and spiders remind me that I really, truly – I mean it this time – need to buy a duster/swifter.

Pumpkins decorate the front of houses, though why a decorative squash is scary is beyond me. Some people carve their pumpkins (in the ye old days they carved turnips!) as some kind of abstract threat: Do you see what we do to squash around here? Yes, I see that. And your mums. You should water those.

Skeletons show us that eating disorders are not a good look. Ghosts imply the afterlife is so boring that the most interesting way to spend your time is to try to frighten the living. And witches remind us how important it is to find a good dermatologist.

This stuff is not remotely scary. So this Halloween, if you really, truly wanted to scare people, why not try a different approach?

To scare a toddler, you have to think like a toddler. If you’re four-years old, you mistakenly cling to the comfort that your parents actually know what they’re doing. Ha. A terrifying shock to every little person comes when they figure out: Grown-ups are just winging it!?

Suggested decoration: A single wolf howling at the moon. Message: You are alone. We all are alone.

You know what’s scary to pre-teens? Puberty is scary. Your voice sounds like an uncertain cartoon character. Everyone can see your acne. Your body is not your temple; it’s an unwieldy, mockery of a travesty of a sham.

Suggested decoration: Carve a Jack-o-lantern with braces. Message: It gets Worse.

To put a chill into teenagers you will need take it to the next level. You have two choices. 1) Remind them that one day they will be a freshman in high school, the lowest on the totem pole; Or 2)Just take away their cell phone.

Suggested Decoration: Nail a cell phone to the front door. Message: Jean Paul Satre was right: Being is Nothingness.

But maybe you want to bring the fright to adults? No problem. Scaring adults is easy. You just have to know what they’re afraid of. Most are not sweating the supernatural or monsters under the bed. You must pray on grown-up fears. Luckily there are plenty.

Grown-ups fret about a 30-year mortgage. Many worry about missing a payment. Others worry about living long enough to pay it off. Suggested Decoration: Nail a bank lien to the front door. Message: You willing to bet the house on it?

Grown-ups are terrified of infants. Oh, they’re happy enough to have a baby – at the hospital. Doctors and nurses pop in and out with reassurances, checking this and that, helping change diapers. But have you ever seen the face of a parent when the hospital tells them to go home?! That is the face of fear. Suggested Decoration: Tie an “It’s a Boy” balloon on your adult friend’s mailbox. Message: It’s a boy!

But there’s one thing that terrifies more adults than anything on the planet: Children. Not Children of the Corn or anything. Just regular, everyday children. Adults are terrified of raising them. It’s all fun and games until you realize that you’re responsible for them – until you die. One mistake, you look the other way, and the possibility that a saber tooth tiger eats them or they fall in a volcano or they’re swept away in a tsunami is small, but not zero. The thought keeps adults up every night – for the rest of their life. If there’s something more terrifying than being solely responsible for the life of a child, I don’t know it. Suggested Decoration: Put up a “Slow Children at Play” sign and watch adults seethe as motorists completely ignore it! Message: No one else is paying attention.

Yes, October can indeed be scary if you just put a little thought into it. A one-size-fits-all approach is too broad. Get specific. Get personal. Scare their pants off of them.