|
|
Edward is a 10-year-old bald eagle. I met Edward at the mouth of the Caribou River.
Rob: Edward, it’s an honor. Edward: Many thanks.
R: No, really. I’m such a fan. E: Too kind.
R: You’re just such a legend– E: –legend, icon. You could also call me old.
R: Ha ha. No, really. You’re almost beyond words. Majestic. Regal. Dignified– E: PLEASE STOP! I can’t take it!
R: I’m so sorry. Did I say something wrong? E: No more superlatives!
R: I’m so sorry. I meant them as a compliment. E: (sigh) I know you did. Edward takes a moment to compose himself. E: I’m sorry. It’s not you. It’s just… I’m under a lot of pressure.
R: I can imagine. E: You have no idea. You know what I did this morning? I posed for a new postage stamp.
R: Was that fun? E: Try exhausting. You just sit there for hours and project the image. A bunch of muckety mucks shout from dark, “More courage, please! More stately!” So, you do your best. It’s an honor and everything but…
R: But where does it end? E: This has been going on for centuries. We’ve been the national bird since 1782. Hoist a flag. That’s my aunt Emma. That giant seal you see at the DMV? That’s my second cousin, Bert. Flip a coin. It’s Grandpa Jim.
R: So, everyone just has to represent? E: The hardest part is that you’re a symbol. Not a fun symbol, like a sex symbol. Nooo. I’m an actual symbol. You represent something bigger than yourself. You’re the ideal. You’re the American dream. They love you when you’re hunting salmon but if someone sees you eating a little roadkill, everyone’s aghast.
R: I never thought of it like that. E: I wanna scream at people, which is just my normal speaking voice, by the way because I don’t have vocal cords. But I want to scream: Hey, you self-righteous people! Eagles eat roadkill in the bible! Get over it!
R: Eagles are in the bible? E: Look it up. God forbid they catch you dumpster diving. They want you to fly like an eagle. And I do. I can get up there. I can do 35mph. I soar, which is just a fancy word for not too much flapping. I mostly soar. But sometimes, just sometimes, I just wanna putz around.
R: Don’t we all? E: And you got me started so forgive the indulgence. The thing about eagle eyes… My eyes are great, right?
R: (checks notes) I believe an eagle can see four to five times farther than humans. E: And I have two focal points so I can see straight ahead and sideways at the same time.
R: That’s pretty crazy. E: Yes, my distance vision is still razor sharp. But I’m a little older now and every once in a while, not all the time but every once in a while, only at night, I need some cheaters to read a menu. Why is the print so small on those things?
R: You can read? E: Not in the dark, no. Bottom line: they want Edward the Eagle. And I am Edward the Eagle. Mostly. I’m mostly Edward the Eagle. But sometimes, just some of the time, I’m also just a bird named Eddie.
R: I see. E: We almost weren’t the national bird. Ben Franklin said eagles were of bad moral character. What’s wrong with my morals? I mate for life. Mostly.
R: Mostly? E: Well, we do that whole till-death-do-us-part thing. But if someone dies, you’re free as a bird, I believe the saying is. Ben Franklin wanted the national bird to be a turkey so what the heck does he know?
R: He is on the hundred-dollar bill. E: And my great, great, great Aunt Edna is on the one-dollar bill so take that, Benny Boy.
R: Jeez. We can’t end this exchange there. Can we just end on a fun bald eagle fact? E: I guess. Hmm. We’re not actually bald.
R: I think most people know that. E: Call a lesser bird bald and you might give him a complex. R:Well,theword“bald”used to mean white, not hairless. E: Hmm. I didn’t know that. Oh. I have a good eagle fact. If for some reason you see a bunch of eagles flying together, which you won’t, but if you do, although you won’t, but if you do, they’re called a kettle.
R: A kettle. That’s neat. E: Can we end on kettle?
R: We can end on kettle. E: Then kettle it is.
Leave a Reply