Et Tu, Vince

 

While I am quite fond of the Vince Guaraldi, the solo artist and his Trio, there are limits to my affection. I happen to dislike Christmas songs. Yes, each and every one of them. Even the ones by the Vince Guaraldi and his Trio.

Some people call them holiday songs but let’s call it like it is. These are Christmas songs, man. Band Aid asks me “Do I know it’s Christmastime again?” Yes. I know. You know how I know? You, Band Aid, do not let me forget.

The problem with “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree” by Brenda Lee is not the song itself. It’s a perfectly fine song. Except one thing. It’s played out. I’ve heard it so many, many times. And it would be fine if I only had to hear “Grandma got Run Over by a Reindeer” by Elmo & Patsy four times in my lifetime. But the reality is that I will hear it four times this week. Did I mention it’s still November?

The problem with “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by Andy Williams is that when I go to a store, there it is again. And again. I’ve tried to avoid shopping. This year, kids, we will celebrate the holiday with… ideas! But then my kids demand food?! Again?! So, while I can avoid the mall, I cannot avoid the grocery. Thus, for the children, I must endure “Wonderful Christmastime” by The Beatles, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” by The Jackson Five, and “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by Bruce Springsteen. And that’s just in the produce aisle.

I did the math. I hear the songs for approximately six weeks a year. On a conservative estimate, I hear “White Christmas” by Bing Crosby about four times a week. In the store. On the radio. In the elevator. At a holiday party. In a movie. On television, both shows and commercials. So that means every year I hear “The Christmas Song” by Nat King Cole approximately 24 times. I don’t wish to share my exact age, but I will say if this math is right, then I’ve heard “Mele Kalikamaka” by Jimmy Buffett more than 1200 times.

Also, we must acknowledge that some songs are on an even heavier rotation. That means I have heard “All I want for Christmas” by Mariah Carey more than 1500 times. In the courts, Mariah Carey may have lost her bid to be trademark Queen of Christmas for herself, but she alone remains the reigning sovereign of my personal holiday nightmares.

Yes, “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano stands apart in a small way. It’s annoying, treacly, and saccharine in two different languages.

I do feel victimized by the onslaught of Christmas songs. The barrage. The fusillade. This is a sustained campaign to finish me. I respect the enemy, but I don’t have to like it.

I will admit that a few of these wounds are self-inflicted. In spite of my suggestion that we celebrate the holidays with anything-but-holiday music, my family consistently outvotes me, and we usually decorate the tree while listening to John Denver and The Muppet’s “A Christmas Together”. Of all the artists performing Christmas songs, I begrudge John Denver the least. He’s the only one – at least to my eye and ear – who’s not just trying to sell records. He actually believes this stuff.

So, what’s to be done about it? Sure, you can move. But where to? This Christmas song phenomenon is ubiquitous, man. The Americas are up to their eyeballs in the stuff. Europe’s no better, completely lousy with the spirit. Forget about the North Pole. I guess I could go live in a cave. But caves are so drafty. And bad for WIFI.

Which brings me back to Vince Guaraldi and his Trio. As I said, I’m a fan. Big fan. A part of me is also still a kid who loves Peanuts/Charles M. Schulz. “A Charlie Brown Christmas” is a perfect classic. I used to love the music therein. “O Tannenbaum” and “Christmas Time is here” are, in a vacuum, perfect distillations of a child reveling in the holiday spirit. But we don’t live in a vacuum. We live in a vortex of a cacophony of Christmas songs on repeat. I guess you could call it “capitalism”. And even Vince Guaraldi (et tu, Vince?) on repeat becomes a thing to avoid.

I am just a man. I cannot put my thumb on the scale and make the Christmas song less so. But I am king of my own castle. I can make sure The Christmas Song will not play in this castle. Unless I’m outvoted – again. Then, I guess, bring on John Denver. It’s that time of year.