Dressed to Grill

 

In hip hop culture, a grill is dental jewelry for inside your mouth so your teeth can sparkle with gold or diamonds. In a car, a grille covers an opening in the body of a vehicle to allow air flow. If someone is up in your grill, they’re confrontational. If you’re getting grilled, someone’s asking you a lot of intense questions.

The grill I want to talk about is a metal framework used for cooking food over an open fire. You know, the summer grill.

Ordinarily I like to make fun of both genders with an even hand. Women using unnecessary nautical terms are just as annoying as any male counterpart. But the summer grill is Man’s Domain. This Man, who would be hard-pressed to find the kitchen is, come summer, a different beast. Sporting an apron with a mediocre pun on it, Grill Man struts across the patio to his grill, beer in one hand, a plate of uncooked meat in the other. Grill Man thinks: Man. Fire. Food.

But the thing is, according to Andrew Zimmern, American chef, restaurateur, television and radio personality, producer, food critic, author, and friend: Most people do it wrong.

Zimmern is too polite to bring gender into it but I’m not. So, I’ll say it: Most men do it wrong. And I know because I’m most men.

According to Zimmern, “Most people grill over too high a heat and don’t use a “cool” section of the grill for indirect grilling.”

That’s true for me. My grill temperature is either a bazillion degrees or, when I try to turn it down, barely hot enough to annoy a hamburger bun.

Andrew continues, “They don’t pay attention while the food is cooking and very few clean their grill, so you get sooty flare ups and fires, charred old food on new food, food sticks because of that and so on.”

How dare you, Zimmern? Cleaning the grill with my grill brush is the only time I clean with steel! But I do know a lot of people who skip the step. And I suppose Zimmern’s right about not paying attention to the food. I mean, that beer isn’t drinking itself. And if the grill lid’s closed, I’d have to open it to see what was happening in there. That seems like a lot of trouble. What if the food’s not done? I’d just have to close the lid again. Or what if something needs to be flipped? Then I’d have to flip it. Sounds like a lot of work. Best to focus on my beer.

Zimmern continues, “We would never pull a blackened chicken or pork chop or hamburger out of a pan and say, “voila!” beaming at our guests.” That’s true. But the key to serving food when you’re not very good cooking food is branding. Blackened chicken isn’t a mistake. It’s a more complex flavor profile! Do you notice that layer of bitter, acrid unpleasantness? Are you enjoying that essence of carbon? This isn’t burnt; it’s heavily charred!

Zimmern reminds us how little we know about anything. Zimmern observes, “People also confuse grilling with BBQ which are two different things.” I’m originally from Texas and I confess I’ve never even thought about it. I’ve almost certainly used the terms interchangeably and I’m a Texan! I really should know better. Real BBQ cooks over indirect heat and takes a long, long time. The brisket at Franklin BBQ in Austin, Texas takes about twelve hours. So, unless you’re Paul Hogan, you will not be “slipping another shrimp on the barbie.”

Zimmern sums it up. “A grill is like a pressure cooker. It is really easy to use but you have to read the directions, get one good book on the subject, and memorize it.” You want me to read the directions?? And then a book?? In the summer while I’m holding a beer?! AZ, I hear your complaints and I’m probably guilty of ninety five percent of them. But the world we live doesn’t require me to listen to “experts”. You can’t slow me down with trivial little things like “facts”. I don’t have to change just because you’re right. I am a man! I am entitled to my own truth. My “Caution: Hot Dad” apron is hilarious. I have seen “The Quest for Fire” and, while it doesn’t have anything to do with grilling, it is a confusing thing to bring up right now. All that matters right at this moment is that grilling makes me feel more manly: Man. Fire. Food.