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Photo by Katie Mumm
Mike is a bull moose. Only on our fifth appointment did he finally show up for our tete-a-tete at a moose viewing area up the Gunflint Trail.
R: You’re a hard moose to track down.
M: Pound for pound, moose pride ourselves on being as elusive as any species.
R: What made you decide to show up today?
M: I thought our appointment was for tomorrow.
R: Why the hesitation? Are moose… shy?
M: Perhaps “private” is a better word. There are certainly times when we like to strut our stuff – right down the middle of the road. But mostly we prefer the quiet life.
R: Well, I’m glad you’re here. I know this is a bit personal, but your voice is different than I expected.
M: Pop culture likes to portray the moose as, shall we say, unserious. Naturally, there are a few goofballs out there that give us that reputation, but I can assure you we are not all cut from that cloth.
R: Are you referring to Rocky and Bullwinkle?
M: Mr. Bullwinkle J. Moose first appeared on television in 1959. As you know, the average lifespan of a moose is 20 years. So, may I pose a rhetorical question? How, some 35 years later, in 1996, was he ranked 32nd greatest TV star of all time – looking exactly the same? We expect actors have some work done, but let’s face facts, it’s kind of an open secret that’s not the same moose.
R: Like Zorro?
M: Exactly. More legend than moose.
R: I see. Shifting gears. I want to ask about how has the pandemic been for you?
M: Difficult. When the decree is ‘one moose apart’, it has an impact. Everyone looks at you like, wooh, stay away from him. So, it gets lonely.
R: So, what do you do?
M: I tried to get creative. I put an ad in the classified section: You know you pay by the word for those things, so I wrote: Moose seeking Moose.
R: How did that go?
M: Not well. Did you know the plural of moose is moose?
R: I did know that. In fact, the word “moose” comes from the Algonquin tribe and means “eater of twigs”.
M: Why not “meese”? Why not ‘mooses”?
R: Uhh, I dunno.
M: So “Moose seeking Moose” got plenty of responses. They were just all swingers. Which is weird because unlike deer, moose are not pack animals. So, I don’t know what that was all about.
R: So, what do you do? M: You win a cow the old-fashioned way. You fight for her.
R: I see.
M: And another thing I don’t understand. I am moose, yes? Not a deer. R: (checks notes) As far as I know, yes, you are a moose. Which is not a deer.
M: So why then am I, Mike the Moose, the largest member of the deer family? R: Oh. I see. Well, I think that has something to do with similar traits or something.
M: I can tell you in my years I’ve made a few, shall we say, overtures toward deer and they are not picking up what I’m putting down.
R: I’ll make a note of it. Moving on, quite a few readers are very interested in seeing a moose. Do you have any suggestions where?
M: This question comes up a lot. I can say this: If you want to find a moose, maybe the question isn’t “where moose?” Maybe the question is…
R: (guessing) …How moose? (Moose shakes head) …Why moose? (Moose shakes head) … Whither moose?
M: When moose.
R: When moose?
M: When indeed.
Pause.
R: Well, that’s certainly cryptic but, I suppose, so to the moose.
M: I would love to chit chat indefinitely, but I must eat seventy pounds of food every day, so you’ll excuse me.
R: Of course. Thank you for your time.
M: Good morning.
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