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Cinco de Mayo is, for those with limited grasp of the Spanish, just a date on the calendar. Don’t be alarmed. This is the one day of the year that is in the Spanish. Cinco de Mayo means, try to stay with me here… the Fifth of May. On this day, many Americans pile into authentic Mexican restaurants in America. They will tell you that Cinco de Mayo is Mexican Independence Day. Do not believe these people. They have been drinking. Some are even drunk. Mexican Independence Day is the 16th of September, which ironically starts at midnight on the 15th of September. Never heard of it? That’s because you’re American, you live in the United States of American, and you do not celebrate other countries independence from other, other countries. Unless they serve alcohol. Then perhaps you can make an exception.
In fact, Cinco de Mayo is actually a magnifica American tradition where Americans order enormous margaritas at authentic Mexican restaurants to celebrate the Mexican victory, in 1862, of The Battle of Puebla against the French army. Oh, it was a gloriousa battle. You should have seen those Mexicans. They sent those French fries scurrying back to France. For Mexico, this was muy bueno. Right up until the French came back and took Puebla, and occupied Mexico, with the same effort they put into a cassoulet. For Mexico, this was muy triste.
Eventually the French had to leave Mexico because it’s really hard to fight wars that are actually in France when you’re in Mexico. It is muy lejos. So, the French left and Mexico became Mexican again. Everyone was muy contento.
Americans have been celebrating this inconsequential Mexican military victory in Puebla ever since. Many say Mexicans, themselves, do not celebrate the day. This is untrue. I can tell you that the day is not only celebrated but, in many cases, revered, by each and every Mexican producing spirits (tequila, mezcal, rum) and beer (Corona, Dos Equis, etc.) headed to the good ol’ US of A.
So now that we know exactly what Cinco de Mayo all is about (Americans drinking Mexican drinks!), let us celebrate all things kind of Mexican.
Nachos
First there was cheese. Then there were chips. But un dia magico in history, in a US/Mexican border town, a guy named Ignacio put chips together… with cheese! They almost had him committed. Then Ignacio, his friends called him “Nacho”, melted that cheese! White people went crazy for the stuff. Texans appropriated the dish and Nacho – the dish, not the guy – migrated north. Fun Fact: In Mexico, Nachos cannot be found outside of the resorts that serve Americans. No one knows why. So, Nachos are Mexican. But Mexicans don’t eat them. But the joke “that’s not yo cheese” is American. Probably.
Crispy Tacos
Or as my in-laws call them, “shells”. Crispy tacos, the U-shaped things that are just a big corn-chips, while ubiquitous at Taco Bell, ARE NOT A THING IN MEXICO! There are plenty of fried tacos (flautas! gorditas!) in Mexico but none of them are shells, carago. I know Old El Paso calls them “shells”. Try ordering a shell in Mexico. Try it. I dare you.
Taco Bell
This may fall under the category of stupidly obvious but… Taco Bell is not Mexican. It is owned by a big American company named (ironically?) Yum! Brands, Inc. There are no Taco Bells in Mexico. Not one. And the menu of Taco Bell is also not Mexican. It may not even be food. I don’t know. But it is inexpensive. And open late. So, there’s that.
Mexican Jumping Beans
Mexican jumping beans are, indeed, Mexican. It’s right there in the name. But Mexican jumping beans are not beans. They’re spurges, which is a kind of flowering plant, whatever the hell that means. But it’s not a bean. I guess Mexican Jumping Spurge didn’t have quite the same ring to it. So have at ‘em, amigo.
Margaritas
This cocktail is technically a sour drink but in reality, the margarita is unbearably sweet. A lesser man might have abandoned this drink for lost. But no! Someone thought, I know what would make this drinkable. Coarse salt. If I grab a mouthful of coarse salt before I drink the margarite then it’s better because I don’t notice the flavor so much.
Burritos
The American burrito, you may know, is a large, enclosed taco. It has to be large because otherwise it would be way too much tortilla. This way, since it’s so large, it’s not way too much tortilla. It’s way too much food. But if you go to Mexico City and order a burrito, they will serve you a small donkey. Good luck with that.
Speed round: 1) Fajitas – Not Mexican. Fajitas are Tex-Mex, which is not Mex. It’s Tex; 2) New Mexico – This state is Not Mexican. New Mexico sure sounds Mexican. But it’s not. It’s United States of American, which was once Mexican; 3) Antonio Banderas – Not Mexican. Spanish. 4) Penelope Cruz – Not Mexican. Spanish. 5) Javier Bardem – Not Mexican. Spanish. 6) Jennifer Lopez – Not Mexican. She is transcendent/ Puerto Rican; 7) The Three Amigos. Not Mexican. But Steve Martin, Chevy Chase, and Martin Short are at their idiotic best in this classic. 8) Spanish – Not Mexican. Mexicans speak Mexican. Okay, that’s not what it’s called. BUT… Spain Spanish from Spain is different than Mexican Spanish. Do Americans speak the Queen’s English? They do not. They speak American. American is a nice language, too, but it’s not Spanish either.
So, Cinco de Mayo approaches. Some say Cinco de Mayo is the biggest Mexican victoria over the American people since The Alamo. And we all remember The Alamo. That was in San Antonio, at The Alamo, which is near the Alamodome, which is near the Riverwalk, which has many, many authentic Mexican Restaurants to celebrate Cinco de Mayo. It will be una grand fiesta. Who knows? You may even see a Mexican there.
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