In the last few years, the term “sandwich generation” has come into use in the English language. The term refers to the growing number of people taking care of their children and aging parents at the same time. At this time in history around 20 million baby boomers (persons born between 1946 and 1964) find themselves “sandwiched” between caring for children and parents.
I became more acutely aware of my status as a member of the “sandwich generation” when my mom died this past June. As I have mentioned in previous columns, her death brought many new responsibilities for my siblings and me. Most importantly, there was a need to find ongoing care for my father and for my developmentally disabled sister, Haidee, both of whom had been cared for by my mom up until her death. Last week I wrote about finding a new home for Haidee and this week I want to share what it’s been like to find care for my dad.
Soon after my mom’s death, my siblings and I began to evaluate Dad’s needs and the options that were available for him. We found it helpful to talk with a Certified Senior Advisor, a professional with knowledge of the health, social and financial issues important to seniors. ThisCSA asked us several important questions: Where is your dad cognitively and is he safe at home by himself? Has he had a history of falls? Does he need someone to be there around the clock? Has he had an official diagnosis of dementia? Does he have local caregivers? Who is his power of attorney? Does he have his health directives up to date and who is responsible for making decisions medically if he cannot and there is an emergency? What is his financial situation?
Dad does have memory and cognition issues due to a stroke he suffered a few years ago; he is unable to take care of his financial matters; he can no longer drive; he has health issues that necessitate frequent doctor visits and a daily regimen of medications; he is unable to cook or clean; and there are some concerns about falling.
With these realities in mind, we discussed several options: hire home care, invite Dad to move into one of our homes, or find a new place for him in a senior living facility. As we talked we realized how important it would be for him to have regular social interaction.
We then began to visit nearby senior living facilities. We quickly learned that there were different levels of care that were offered: independent living, assisted living and memory care. Beyond that, each facility offered various services such as meal plans, nursing care, safety checks, laundry, social activities, etc. We also checked into home care and compared the costs of all the options.
Along with discussions between us as siblings, we also talked with our dad, sharing what we were learning, asking him about his preferences and concerns, being aware that he is in a time of grieving over the loss of his wife, our mom.
Eventually we narrowed down the options to a couple of senior living facilities close to family members in the Twin Cities. Then we invited Dad to visit these places with us, meeting people who lived there, eating in the dining room and becoming more comfortable with the environment. Dad expressed his preference for one of the facilities and we found that they had a suitable apartment available, which we then reserved. We were very thankful to find a clean, safe, attractive facility where Dad can get his meals and participate in a variety of activities!
Although my dad wasn’t enthusiastic about moving out of his home, he was willing to make the change. We expect that it will take awhile for him to feel truly at home but there are already signs that he is adapting to his new place. On a recent visit with him, I joined him for a Bible study being held at the facility and he introduced me to another resident with whom he has become friends.
It has been both a challenge and privilege for my siblings and me to walk with my dad through this time of transition in his life. Just as he was responsible to care for us through our childhood, now we can assist him at this time in life. Through it all, we are finding God’s strength to continue as members of the sandwich generation!
Each month a member of the
Cook County Ministerium will
offer Spiritual Reflections. For
October, our contributor is
Pastor Deborah Lunde, who
has served as pastor of Zoar
Lutheran Church in Tofte since
July of 2008.
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