Most of us will one day know someone who is a survivor of sexual violence. This is a traumatic experience for not only the survivor, but also for people who are close to that individual. People who are friends or loved ones of the sexual violence survivor are referred to as “secondary survivors.”
If you are close to someone who is a survivor of sexual violence, you are undoubtedly feeling a variety of strong emotions. Some of these feelings will involve the survivor, some will involve the sexual violence perpetrator, and many will involve handling your own feelings. At a time when you want to most help your friend or loved one through her or his crisis, you may be dealing with a crisis of your own.
Here are a few suggestions on how to help a sexual violence survivor, as well as some ideas about helping yourself. Remember that although your first concern may be to help your friend or loved one recover, your own feelings are extremely important and that by dealing with your own feelings, you may be better able to provide the continuing support that she or he may need.
Ways to help and some things you can do
. Your major goal when dealing with your friend or loved one is to be supportive. Experience tells us that a sexual violence survivor who receives emotional support from those she or he is close to will make for a much healthier and speedier recovery. Support means dealing with whatever needs the survivor may have, and recognizing that all of those needs are normal. She or he may want to talk with you, or she or he may want to talk to someone else, or she or he may not want to talk at all. She or he may also have a variety of emotional response to the sexual violence that may affect the way she or he responds to you. A survivor may also act in ways that might not be typical for that person, or might appear totally unaffected by the sexual violence. Remember that no matter how a survivor is feeling, she or he is reacting in whatever way she or he needs to recover. . When your friend or loved one is ready to talk, really listen to their feelings. Good listening involves not only hearing what the survivor is saying but also empathizing. A good listener doesn’t necessarily have to talk or respond; eye contact and body movements or being available to listen show you care. It is important to allow the survivor to talk about whatever feelings she or he might have. No judgment! . No matter when the sexual violence occurred or how the survivor is dealing with it, being close to someone who has experienced trauma makes you feel terrible. Because you care, you will want to do everything you can to help her or him through this and assist in the recovery. However, it is important that you deal with your feelings. Not everyone reacts in the same way or with the same degree of intensity when someone they know has been harmed.
Remember that your feelings are important too, and that it is important to focus on your own self-care while you try to help your friend or loved one.
Ways to take care of yourself
. Take time for yourself. Sounds so easy, but can be so difficult. Taking time for yourself can happen in many ways: go for a walk, stay involved with others, keep up with hobbies, exercise (healthy and great way to get out your anger), movies or music, cooking, healthy eating. What’s important is to make sure that you take the time for yourself. . Process your emotions. You need time to work through your different feelings, give yourself permission to deal with them in a healthy manner. If you are feeling sad, don’t be afraid to shed the tears you need to shed. If you are feeling angry, develop safe ways to express it (write down on paper what you would like to say to the perpetrator then carefully burn it, hit a pillow, yell/scream in a safe setting). You will come up with your own ideas to deal with your strong emotions.
Don’t forget to offer yourself the same care and compassion you are giving to your friend or loved one.
April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month and Child Abuse Prevention Month.
Each month a local mental health therapist will discuss an area of mental health. This month’s contributor is the Violence Prevention Center. If you need to talk to someone confidentially, call 218-387-1262.
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