Megan Bauer (pictured with her beloved dog Josie) died of suicide March 27, 2013, at the age of 33. Her father, John Bauer is leading a project to create a special exhibit to educate people about suicide.
Her smell is gone.
When he pulls one of her scarves to his nose, her presence has faded from it—a true sign that she is no longer here on earth.
It’s been more than a year since his daughter Megan’s suicide and John Bauer and his family are left with only memories of Megan. They are left with the questions, guilt and sadness they live with every day.
They wonder what drove her to take her own life. John wonders if there is something he would have done differently so that Megan would still be here today. Megan’s writings revealed confused thoughts within a beautiful and kind person.
The pain of those who succumb to suicide and those who survive it is so personal, so intimate— often so secret—that the topic is kept private.
By sharing his family’s encounter with suicide, John hopes others will do the same. He plans to collect what others share for a special traveling, multi-media exhibit that will give people the opportunity to learn about suicide, talk about it, hear the many voices of it—in hopes that bringing the topic to life might help prevent suicide.
Remembering Megan
Megan Marie Bauer Stejskal, age 33, of Lutsen, passed away unexpectedly on Wednesday, March 27, 2013, in Bayfield, Wisconsin — so begins Megan’s obituary.
“She tried several times,” remembers John of Megan’s suicide attempts. “Every time we heard a siren we thought something terrible had happened to Megan.”
At just 15 years old, Megan gave birth to a baby girl. John explained that, as Megan’s father, he made the ultimate decision that the baby be given up for open adoption.
“The child ended up with a beautiful family.”
John knows he shouldn’t speculate but looking back he remembers Megan’s spirits spiraled downward after the baby was given away.
“At first, we didn’t notice much—most 15 year old girls are moody. I was 20 when we had Megan— there’s a huge difference between 20 and 15. We didn’t know anything about mental illness.”
Megan went to college, married and then divorced. She worked in social work in the Twin Cities, Grand Rapids and Grand Marais.
“She was an advocate for kids,” said John.
Then one Sunday, Megan called. “She sounded real. She was changing jobs,” John remembers.
Megan had also started dabbling in photography and hiking while living on the North Shore. “She said she needed a change,” said John. “We told her we loved her.”
Twenty-six hours later, Megan was gone.
John was coaching an all-star basketball game in Duluth and couldn’t answer his phone when initial questions about Megan’s absence came through.
“It was her boss that was first concerned because Megan was not one to miss her appointments… when I heard that, I knew she was gone.”
Megan’s car was found in Bayfield, Wis. She had consumed an overdose of Benadryl.
The official phone call from law enforcement authorities to the family made them “scream in horror,” said John as he explained that he “cried and cried and cried on the front porch.”
The agony of having to identify the body of his once-glowing, now lifeless daughter, was too much for John. He didn’t want to remember Megan’s lying in the morgue. He wanted to remember her the way she was, a caring person with a beautiful smile.
The parents who adopted Megan’s daughter were informed of the death and they attended the service, as did her daughter Cecilia. Born on Valentine’s Day, Cecilia was now 18 years old at the time the suicide took the life of her birth mother.
“What do you do? They don’t write books on this,” said John of meeting his grown granddaughter and her adoptive parents. “She is beautiful, smart and looks like Meg.”
John said Cecilia is doing well, in college and an artist and outdoor enthusiast like Megan.
Building awareness
As part of a group of current participants in the Blandin Foundation Community Leadership Program who are focusing on mental health issues, and more specifically suicide, John is leading a project to heighten awareness of how suicide affects survivors. The goal is to get people talking about mental illness and suicide—to bring it out from behind its ugly cloak created by stigma.
“So people like Megan realize they’re not burdens on life. So they know they can express their feelings and know how to identify their feelings and be comfortable talking about them,” explained John who plans to create a multi-media exhibit involving many artists that would offer an emotional and educational experience for both survivors of suicide and those unfamiliar with it.
“People need to learn to just listen. We may not know how they are feeling but we need to just listen. Because once they are gone, we can’t get them back.”
John is currently interviewing survivors of suicide and hoping to hear from people of all ages and walks of life.
For more information or to inquire about contributing to the exhibit, contact John Bauer at jbauer@kaxe.org or 218-244-5206.
This article is reprinted courtesy of the Grand Rapids Herald-Review and John Bauer. The exhibit will be shown the entire month of September 2016 at Macrostie Arts Center in Grand Rapids and then will become a traveling exhibit. The Bauer family also shares their story in a segment of the Human Development Center series Call Me Mental. To view this poignant piece, visit: callmemental.com/features/john-bauer-affects-of-suicide/
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