BEYOND REASON

Here’s a fun fact I just read it in new book called The Blue Zones Challenge by Dan Buettner. Most New Year’s Resolutions last for 4-6 weeks. Then people go back to their old habits. So, there are two ways to approach this problem. You can do what the experts who follow the people who live the longest suggest and make meaningful changes in sustainable ways, like changing your environment, support group, etc. so that your every move becomes measurably better.

OR… you can take my advice and cram an entire year’s worth of workouts into just 4-6 weeks. Look, I will say this upfront. This is a lot of working out in a short period of time. Also, I know you’re presently out of shape, which is why your new year’s resolution is to do something about it. So, this may be physically impossible. But that’s what they said about the four-minute mile. And breaking the sound barrier. And time travel.

Whatever you do, Do Not consult your doctor before you attempt this regime. He or she will empirically tell you not to do it. Because it’s probably unsafe. Because I have no medical training. They may also tell you I have zero background in exercise or fitness. Some may say I’m making this up as I go. A few may go so far as to claim that this kind of program may kill you. It may indeed. I have no medical training nor do I have a background in exercise or fitness, and aren’t we all making it up as we go? That said, I do like to go big. Also, one thing these past few years have shown us is that many people do not necessarily listen to doctors. I am not a doctor. Here is my advice:

Finally, before I begin, my lawyer advises me that I qualify this with the disclaimer that I am making this up as I go. And that’s true. Because it’s kind of impractical. BUT that’s what makes it great. Potentially. Or life threatening. I have no idea. My lawyer says I cannot be held responsible for you actually taking my advice if I write this sentence.

So, this is my cocktail napkin math. Well, minus the napkin. Most people want to work out three times a week. Since there are 52 weeks in a year, that’s 156 trips to the gym. But you’re only going to do this for 4-6 weeks, you will need to go to the gym 156 times in 4-6 weeks. That’s about 39 trips to the gym a week. Or 5.5 trips to the gym a day.

But that’s really hard. I would argue the problem is in spreading it out. So, I have an alternative proposal. (No, I am not suggesting you spend 26-39 hours straight at the gym. Although I did consider it.) My idea is bigger.

This is your workout regime for 2022:

Week One, Day One, It’s a marathon. Look, I know you’re out of shape. I know you do not run now. Or barely run. So, completing a marathon will take some time. According to google, most people can walk it in under eight hours. But those are people who planned to walk a marathon. You will be slower. Thus, I have allotted you 12 hours of walking. But you will need fuel along the way. In Rob’s Marathon©, you may stop at restaurants for lunch or dinner. Or hors d’oeuvres. Or happy hour with your hors d’oeuvres. Anyway, start to finish you should be able to complete a marathon without any training whatsoever – and as many stops as you need – in about 16 hours. That’s a long day but you’re already halfway to your weekly goal. You are now 26.2 miles from home. Get a hotel room. You will sleep well.

Week One, Day Two. You are 26.2 miles from home. Go home. On foot. Here’s a tip. You may be tempted, like Jay Gatsby, to repeat the past. Don’t do it. Did it end well for Jay Gatsby? Spoiler Alert: It did not. You finished Week One, Day One with a pleasant Happy Hour but if you start Week One, Day Two with the same, you may get a short-term boost but it’s a slippery slope. Just so you know, you log no (zero) hours for passing out on the side of the road.

Week Two. Complete the Iditarod. You will start in Anchorage, Alaska. Finish in Nome. It’s 938 miles. White-out conditions. Sub-zero temps. Gale-force winds. Yes, technically the dogs do most of the work for the 8-15 days it takes to finish. But it takes 8-15 days! Plus, the cold will make it plenty hard for everyone AND you must steer and say “mush” often. Or from time to time. I don’t know. I’ve never been on a dog sled. Which reminds me, you’re going to need a dog sled. And some dogs.

Week Three. Complete a triathlon. That’s a 2.4-mile swim, 112 miles on the bike, and a distance you know well, 26.2-mile run. Let me address the first complaints from those who don’t, um, well, swim, bike or run. This is not for time. Also, no pain, no approximate, immeasurable, intangible gain. In Rob’s Traithlon©, for the swim, you may wear floaties! Also, for those who haven’t biked in years, let me say: it’s just like riding a bike. And though the last leg will be only half the distance of your first, double marathon from Week One but, because it’s coming after your swim and bike, it will still feel like a double.

Week Four. You have built up your strength and stamina. You are now ready for your greatest challenge yet. You must play a full round of golf without a golf cart. Now, some may say, 18-holes of golf seems much, much easier than walking 26.2 miles (and back again) or completing the Iditarod or owning a Triathlon. BUT ask any golfer why they left at eight in the morning and returned just before dinner – even though the internet says it only takes 4.5 hours to play a round – and they will invariably tell you how Hard it is to golf. How challenging it is. How much skill is involved. How many miles they walk. How many world-class athletes (we are looking at you, Charles Barkley) still cannot master the game. Some may counter: But on the social media you were drinking on the sixth hole. They will shake their head because you just don’t get it. We may quibble about whether there is a better thing than golf to watch on TV while you nap on the couch. We may quibble about the effort and skill demanded by the game. We may even quibble about whether golf is even a sport. Or a game. Or something else. But one fact is unassailable: it takes a long, long time to play golf.

And then, 4-6 weeks into 2022, you’re done exercising – for the rest of the year! Come mid-February, you can sit on the couch for the rest of 2022 with absolute impunity. I think. Or it may kill you. Time will tell. The alternative is to pick up a copy of The Blue Zones Challenge by Dan Buettner and learn what people who actually live the longest do. But I like my way. It just feels better.