BEYOND REASON

The winter solstice is nearly upon us. There are many things associated with this day. It is the first day of winter. It is also the longest night of the year. There is a precise time of day, 9:58 a.m., where the sun is at its lowest height in the sky. But the most important thing about the Winter Solstice is that this is the shortest day of the year.

Yes, the winter solstice is the single worst day to work on your tan but it’s also an opportunity to just get right to it. Thus, to make the most of the “day”, sacrifices must be made. They’re going to be tough choices. But don’t worry. I’ve made them for you.

Jokes. Look, I like jokes. One might say I love jokes. One might even go so far as to say I love jokes more than life itself. I love all kinds of jokes. I like short jokes and long jokes. I like off color jokes. I like a nice, clean family joke. I like jokes where someone walks into a bar. But I’m sorry to say, on this, the shortest day of the year, there’s no time for jokes. But what’s life without a little humor, you ask? It’s less. That’s why, for the shortest day of the year, I recommend: Just Punch Lines. “Orange you glad I didn’t say orange again!” “Because seven ate nine!” I know, it’s not ideal. You’re not going to bring the house down with this sort of approach to comedy, but your audience will know you’ve said something in the genre of comedy and that’s still something. Like I said, sacrifices must be made.

Coffee. While I don’t love coffee as much as I love jokes, I believe my ability to make jokes is directly linked to my consumption of coffee. But the thing is – if you drink coffee in the afternoon, that will affect your sleep at night. And since this is the shortest day of the year, when you wake up in the morning, it will already be the afternoon. So today, on the shortest day of the year, you’re going to have to go straight to your afternoon beverage: tea. And while tea is not ideal for jokes, it’s good enough for a punch line.

Context. I really like to set things up, give my answers a wide berth. If someone asks, “What time is it?” I might answer, “Well, Einstein proved the Julian-derived Gregorian calendar is relative at best. That said…” But today, if someone asks the time on the shortest day of the year, you should forgo context and simply say: Almost tomorrow.

Self-improvement. I usually spend a few minutes every day thinking about how I could do more. I mostly arrive at the idea that one day, though not today, but one day in the near future, but certainly not today, I will find twenty minutes to meditate. But today, on the shortest day of the year, not only will there be no self-improvement, there will not even be the contemplation of self-improvement. On the shortest day of the year, I am good enough as is.

Workouts. The day is short but not that short. There is still time for a quick workout. That said, by the time you get into your workout gear, your time will be up. So, the good news is: you can still technically workout, but today’s workout is going to be dubbed: A Recovery Day. So provided you can make a little time to not workout, you can check the box.

Happy Hour. I know. This one is going to be hard to not swallow. Especially when there’s not much day in your day, you might really be looking for a way to take the edge off. So, I’ve arrived at a compromise. We’re going to squeeze Happy Hour into fifteen minutes. Happy Quarter Hour. So, two options: You can attack that martini like a thirsty camel at an oasis or just skip the drink(s) altogether and just pass out on the sofa already. Also, no aperitifs or post prandials. Just stick to the hard stuff today and you’ll be fine.

One caveat. Even though it is the shortest day of the year, that does not give you permission to forget your manners. You know how long it takes to say “Please” and “Thank you”? Yes, it is a wee bit more time than it takes to be a jerk but considering I’ve saved you so much time in other parts of your day: DON’T BE A BOSSYPANTS! Please.

Look, even this article is getting long so here’s a list of other places you can save time on by cutting out of your day: adjectives; pants; expletives; caroling; whittling; accessories; liniments, ointments; thin mints; small ailments; paperclips; metaphor; epic poetry; anime; and deep breaths.

Finally, you’re also going to have to reduce your consumption of whimsical newspaper columns. Yes, they may well be amusing, witty, and shed the occasional insight into humanity. True, they may feel light and breezy, almost effervescent. It is also well known that the writer of such columns is thought handsome (by his mother). But all that said – on the shortest day of the year, I’m afraid it’s best to take it down a notch and only read these sorts of things once or twice. Three times tops.