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Rob ventured North, far North, almost as far North as anyone on this planet can go, to the true North Pole (not to be confused with the magnetic North Pole) and sat down with Elmer the Elf.
ROB: I appreciate you squeezing me in. I understand it’s your busy season.
Elmer: Honestly, other than Christmas Eve, I’ve got time.
R: Really? You’re not busy?
E: Well, the hobby horse isn’t flying out the door, if you catch my drift.
R: Oh yeah? What’s the new thing?
E: The kids… they all want the endorphin screen.
R: Right.
E: Phones. Tablets. Video games.
R: And you don’t make those? E: No, that’s someone in China. They’re like elves there, you know… underpaid, overworked. But they’re taller than us. And they’re not elves. We focus on the classics – bouncy balls, stuffed animals, Jack in the Boxes. It just… to be honest, I’m looking for a change.
R: Oh. Why’s that?
E: Well, look, I’m grateful for the work. It’s meaningful to bring a little light into a kids’ life. And I like working for the big man. He runs a tight ship and usually in a good mood but… I don’t want to spend my whole life being Santa’s little helper, y’know, working for someone else.
R: Oh, what do you wanna do?
E: I’ve always dreamed of being an entrepreneur.
R: Really?
E: Yes. My thing here is Candy – gum drops, hard candies, chocolates, nougats, peppermint barks, suckers, a lotta candy canes. But I wanna use that skill set to make a candy that’s unlike anything you’ve ever eaten.
R: Interesting.
E: I want to make a candy with no sugar.
R: So you use some kind of sugar substitute?
E: No. In general I wanna move away from sugar. I just feel like it’s been all sugar all the time up here and I’m looking to move in a new direction.
R: What direction is that?
(Earnest looks around, makes sure we’re alone, then lowers his voice.)
E: Have you ever heard of salt?
R: Yes. I have.
E: Well, there’s no salt on the North Pole. Doesn’t exist here. But I know an elf. Elves can be pretty resourceful if you know what I mean. And I’m telling you, this salt thing is going to be big. I started playing around with it in the kitchen and I stumbled onto a candy cane, get this, no sugar, plenty of salt. The elves who test this sort of thing are going crazy for it. I call it… the savory candy.
R: …The savory candy?
E: Do you like “Salt lick” any better?
R: I think they’re both, um… interesting.
E: Thanks. And also I’m just looking for a change of scenery. I like the North Pole but I’m looking for something South. I mean, I like winter. But it’s always winter. Year round winter up here. I’m ready for a big change.
R: New Jersey?
E: I want to live on an island.
R: Wow. That would be a big change.
E: I want get out of these clothes.
R: I was going to ask. Is that a uniform?
E: It’s more of a guideline. Red, white, and green. Pointy hat, pointy shoes. Some go a little heavy on the stripes. But we all make it our own.
R: I see.
E: On the beach, I’m thinking a red, white, and green tie dye. Pointy sandals. And this would be big: No hat.
R: No hat?!
E: Yeah. Free the locks. Work the tan. There’s a version of my life where tanning is my cardio. Learn to surf. It’s a dream. I just need my savory candy business to take off.
R: Well, I wish you luck.
E: Would you like to try one? R: I, um…Thank you. I just ate.
E: There is a Plan B.
R: Making shoes?
E: No, just a seasonal gig. It’d be a busy December. But it would free up the rest of the year.
R: Is it mall work? Ushering kids to the mall Santa?
E: No, it’s residential work.
R: Hmm.
E: You move around. One day you’re working the mantle. Next day you’re hanging from the chandelier.
R: Ohhhhh. Does it involve any… shelf work?
E: There’s a good bit of shelf work in there.
R: You’d be an Elf on the Shelf? E: I’d be an Elf on the Shelf.
R: I mean, there’s no shame in that.
E: It’s a way to pay the bills. But an elf can dream, can’t he?
R: He can indeed.
E: Happy Holidays to you, Rob.
R: Right back at you, Elmer.
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