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Every year, a few days before Thanksgiving, the President of the United States of America pardons two turkeys. Most turkeys are denied clemency and suffer the same fate as 46 million others. They become a Thanksgiving entrée. And lunch on Friday. Sometimes Saturday, too.
Though many letters are sent, only two are granted pardons. Here are this year’s winners.
Dear Mr. President-
They say I am guilty and have been sentence to death.
And yet I know of no charges filed. There was no trial. No evidence was presented. There was not a single witness called. There was no cross examination. There was not one lawyer, neither for the prosecution nor for the defense – and those folks are usually absolutely everywhere. There was no judge, no jury. Not only was there no courtroom drama, there was no courtroom! I’d like to see Aaron Sorkin make movie magic out of this. Perhaps Samuel Beckett would be the better man for the job? Or Franz Kafka?
I have consulted many legal experts and They say the charge I am facing is a serious one. They say I am guilty of Being Delicious.
I have great respect for law. I believe no one is above the law. Not even a turkey. I would now like to represent myself and address the charges.
They say I am guilty of Being Delicious yet most think turkey meat dry. And that’s after constant basting. I know of no other fowl – or any beast – that requires so much basting for so little reward. How many times have you looked in your cupboard and wondered why you even have a baster? Most that eat the white meat liken its texture to the sole of your sneaker. And many suspect those claiming to like dark meat are just doing it to get a rise out of you.
If I were guilty of Being Delicious wouldn’t turkey be served more than once a year? And I’m not talking about leftovers. Wouldn’t someone, somewhere want turkey for say, some event in winter? Or spring? Or ever? And yet no one does.
No, Mr. President, I believe we must conclude the reason They eat turkey only once a year is because turkey simply is Not Delicious. And if the turkey is Not Delicious, I am therefore innocent of the charges.
I, myself, am an omnivore, about ten percent of my diet comes from small animals – small bugs, spiders, and invertebrates like worms. Thus. I am not advocating for Tofurkey on Thanksgiving. I believe that goes too far. But rather, more of what everyone loves: More potatoes; more sweet potatoes; more yams; (there cannot be too many starches) more cranberries; more green beans; more squash soup: more dinner rolls; and more pumpkin pie. Frankly, who would object if the only thing served at Thanksgiving was stuffing and gravy?
I, Tony Turkey, do not fear death. It visits us all… eventually. But all things being equal, Mr. President, I’d prefer to give it a miss.
Sincerely, Tony
Dear Mr. President-
Have you read Maya Angelou’s I know Why the Caged Bird Sings? The book was recently banned in a bunch of places for obvious reasons. The Book speaks of Man’s cruelty to Man and its many, many variations. In short, The Book was banned because it is too true to exist.
And yet there it is – The Book! – in spite of these bans, in spite of being burned. The Book remains a reference point, a piece of historical evidence, a beacon.
I am a turkey, so I do not sing. I gobble. And yet Ms. Angelou inspires me to try, to strive for song. I dream, in spite of myself, that one day I might surprise, well… everyone! It is true, that as of yet, I have not managed to produce a single note. Nonetheless, like a caged bird (not a metaphor), all I have is hope.
Peace and Harmony, Teresa
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