BEYOND REASON

I saw eggnog in the store. It was Halloween. I did not check the expiration date, but I assume it was not a holdover from last year. This means the eggnog is from this year. Which means someone, somewhere thinks the holiday season has begun. And I would like to plead: Wohhhhh there, Nellie. Hold the phone!

I do not want to wash down my Halloween candy with eggnog. In October. And I do not want eggnog in November. There is only one month in the year wherein eggnog is an appropriate beverage. Eggnog belongs to the month of December. Solely. This is non-negotiable.

For the sake of argument, let’s assume Christmas is a good thing. But you can have too much of a good thing. Ever binge-watched a show and then realized that thing in the window was the sunrise? Ever had four martinis? Too much of a good thing is a bad thing.

In years past, the people that transition to Christmas had the common decency to wait until the day after Thanksgiving – even though that was still November. But for some reason they’ve abandoned that starting gate and now it’s almost a race to see who can offer Christmas specials first.

Let me say this: If I walk into your store in November and Christmastime is Here is playing on the sound system, I will walk out before I buy anything you’re selling. I know little Johnny needs a birthday present. Too bad. I don’t care if the song is by the legendary Vince Guaraldi Trio and from the beloved Charlie Brown Christmas. It is a Christmas song. In November! So, this year for his birthday, Little Johnny is going to get a calendar from me and a detailed explanation on the difference between November and December.

November is not December. November is November. That’s why they call it November. December, on the other hand, is December. And we can discuss what’s appropriate for December when that time comes. In December.

I do not want to jingle any part of the way in November. I do not want to deck any halls in November. I do not want to rock around the Christmas tree in November. And if I am dreaming of a white Christmas in November, please wake me up.

The goal for enlightenment (something I work on in my free time) is total presence. But how on earth is that to be achieved when someone’s trying to shove December things into my November? The weather turned chilly, and my son is now wearing pajamas with Elf on the Shelf on them… in November?! More than a few holiday lights went up the first week of November. If your holiday card comes to our mailbox in November, you will be crossed off the list and not receive our holiday card that usually morphs into a New Year card and should arrive in January. Or February. Or there’s always next year.

There is much to do in November. Election day is the first Tuesday of the month. Daylight savings ends so that takes some adjustment. Then Veterans Day comes out of nowhere to surprise anyone looking to do a little banking. Obviously, the elephant in the room is Thanksgiving which comes on the fourth Thursday of the month. Technically the fourth Thursday in the month only comes on the fourth Thursday of the month yet I’ve seen people eject from their lives as early as the Friday before the big day and not heard from again until the following Monday. I assume these are really, really thankful people.

Thanksgiving, as we all know, is no ordinary holiday because it requires one to share a meal with relatives. And not just any meal. Thanksgiving is a really long meal. It often starts around 2PM on Thursday and ends sometime Friday. Or Saturday. But assuming you can survive the relatives and ignore the gross injustice visited upon the indigenous people who lived here long before white people, Thanksgiving has a nice underlying message: It is a time to give thanks. But how on earth can anyone give thanks for anything if someone saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus in November?!

Fun Fact: this year, 2021, Fox News mentioned the war on Christmas hundreds of times. In October. Also, very early November, Starbucks released their holiday cups, and the news story was about the war on Christmas. Umm, no. The news story should be that Starbucks released their holiday cups IN NOVEMBER?!

This is not the war on Christmas. This is the war on November.

And it ends now.

Look, I’m a reasonable person. I know I have to give some ground here. That is why, at this point, I’m prepared to give December all the days after Thanksgiving. People will cease to call it Black Friday and hereafter call it December 1. That’s five extra days this year! December can have them. All of them. Free and clear. All I ask is December leave the rest of November alone. Forever. Please.