BEYOND REASON

 

I like machines. Occasionally, usually on the couch, I envision an idyllic future, like the one in The Jetsons, where a robot rolls over to me with a martini. In the timeless classic by Flight of the Concords, the song Robots, set in “the distant future, the year 2000”, it is Man vs. Robot. The song is so good I’m rooting for the robots! And who could forget Short Circuit, the 1986 film starring Steve Guttenberg alongside a delightful robot, Number 5? The picture also gave us the hit single Who’s Johnny, by El Debarge. Okay, fine. Most people forgot that film, but I did not! #neverforget!

So, I’ve certainly never thought of myself as anti-machine. But there is one time in my life where I consciously choose to do it the old-fashioned way.

It’s when it snows.

This year, when the first real snow of the year fell, I grabbed my coat and gloves, grabbed the shovel, and went to work. I cleared the driveway and sidewalk. I like shoveling snow. I enjoy the fresh air, the workout. I like the smug, feeling of superiority I have over my snow-blowing neighbors. They need a machine to do what I can do with two hands and a bit of sweat. Six inches goes quick. Eight inches is more like a full body workout. You gotta use your legs. But this was a foot of snow. That’s serious business. But good, honest, satisfying, serious business. Take that, neighbors.

But this year, for the first time, we live on a lake and cleared an ice rink. It’s great fun for the kids to learn to skate and pass the hockey puck around. The thing is – No one told me I also had to shovel the rink?! That thing is roughly the size of a tennis court if you include the distance to the fences. Shoveling a foot of snow in our driveway and sidewalk is a commitment. But also shoveling our rink is back breaking, requiring the help of the wife and our good friend/neighbor. It took all of us more than three-hours. But we did it! We rose to the challenge. We really enjoyed our wine that night. We slept well.

Overnight it snowed another eight inches. We were all out there again in the morning. We didn’t last long. I broke down and got a snowblower. Well, more specifically, I sheepishly borrowed our neighbor’s snow blower. When I asked for it, the smug look usually on my face seemed to be on his.

I’ve never used a snow blower before. This was my first time. I expected it to blow snow. I did not, however, expect it to radically change my perception of the universe. I did not expect to feel superhuman. I can throw snow! Effortlessly! And I can throw it anywhere! Near! Far! East! West! And I didn’t need to stop to catch my breath. I WAS SNOWMAN! Well, that word means something else, but you know what I mean.

Even my wife said later that night, “First we heard you coming. We couldn’t see you, but the sound gave us hope. Then you came around the corner pushing that snowblower. You were like a god.”

As I effortlessly cleared the rink of this deep snow, watched and, I presume, admired by my wife and neighbor, I thought of the legend of John Henry. You may recall John Henry is the powerful steel driver who raced the steam-powered drill through a mountain. The good news is: John Henry wins! The bad news is: He dies of exhaustion.

I am, in my own way, exactly like John Henry, albeit on a slightly smaller scale. Like a driveway, sidewalk, and now a small rink sort of scale. But still. In some ways, the comparison to John Henry is inevitable. And, in a way, I suppose we’re all like John Henry. The pedestrian tries to outpace those on the moving sidewalk. Those on the moving sidewalk race those on the Segway. And the intrepid riders atop the Segway try to scoot past our judgment.

Sometimes I even think of The First Caveman who picked up The First Rock while fighting a saber tooth tiger and the ridicule and scorn he endured. But, as we all know, the naysayers eventually adapted to the modern ways of the rock.

The question is: Do I want to be just a Man? Or do I wish to align myself with a symbol of progress, the future, the rock, the steam engine? While I am not an expert on engines, I can tell you this for certain: the steam engine is here to stay.

Me, I am a purist. Within reason. John Henry was the hero of his story, willing to die for his cause. I like that. On the other hand, he died earlier than he would have otherwise. I don’t like that so much. I like the idea of dying for a cause without the actual dying part.

So, shovel versus snowblower? I mean, like their predecessors, the rock and Segway, aren’t they both just tools? A part of me feels for the tradition and the old ways. But maybe the old ways are for the young? I like machines. I write this column on a machine. I like songs and movies about machines. And though a machine has yet to bring me a martini, a guy can dream, can’t he?