Baseball 2.0

 

It’s time for Spring Training. It’s like baseball season. But pre. It’s the season before the season. Hence the pre. ‘Tis the (pre) season.

So, baseball is back. Literally. (Not metaphorically.) On the one hand, baseball enjoys a comfortable lead in popularity when compared to say, pickleball. On the other hand, baseball has had declining attendance, participation and, most importantly, viewership for some time. This is not my opinion. I’m just calling balls and strikes here.

There are some theories as to why.

Many, many players cheating wasn’t good for the sport (see steroids). Teams cheating and winning World Series (plural) didn’t help (see Houston Astros). And players seemingly went on strike every other year (see baseball).

Hence, decline.

Small, unswift changes from the league have come hither and thither. Chewing tobacco was out; interleague competition was in. But decline persisted. The need for “real” change remained.

Thus, this year, baseball is making “real” changes. They’re adding a clock and bigger bases and apparently cheating is now – they’re completely serious this time – very, very bad. Bill Belichick and Tom Brady think this rule is “woke”.

But may I be so bold as to suggest that bigger changes are needed? To paraphrase a conversation between Freakanomics’ Stephen Dubner and “Moneyball” author Michael Lewis.

SD: When I was a kid, I used to love/study/play baseball. Not so much anymore.

ML: I agree with you. I don’t watch baseball.

SD: Is that your fault?

ML: Kind of. The smarter ways to play baseball make baseball more boring.

SD: Frankly, the game is a drag. How would you pick it up a notch?

ML: Put a lion on the field.

When the guy who wrote the book on the sport that literally changed the sport suggests changing the sport by putting a lion the field, maybe we should consider, I dunno, changing the sport.

Here are my suggestions:

Soccer has two halves. Hockey has three periods. Basketball and Football have four quarters. Baseball has nine innings?! NINE?! The most famous use of the number nine as an extreme number is in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” in a reference to school absences. So, nine is too many. So, let’s mix it up. For one of those nine innings, I dunno, say the fifth, what if the players, instead of playing baseball, engage in an inning’s worth of Jai alai?

Easily the most unique and interesting thing about the sport of baseball is that the managers wear the uniforms. I’ve often imagined managers in other competitive sports wearing uniforms. What would a football/hockey coach look like in full dress? Would they wear pads? Would that be going too far? Would that be funnier than a basketball coach in uniform? Hard to say. But we must play the hand we’re dealt. Baseball managers already wear uniforms! So, for one inning a game, put them in the game. Let’s say right field! I would love to see hitters targeting them and players trying to cover for them. It would be interesting!

I can think of no other sport that is so static, so inert, so lifeless that they built a stretch into the schedule. But baseball has The Seventh inning stretch. So, let’s build on this. What if, between the top and the bottom of every seventh inning there was, I dunno, a seventh inning… screech. Or a seventh inning scootch. Or we keep it simple with a seventh inning scotch.

Scoring a baseball game is a lost art. Perhaps literally. In olden days, a 6-4-3 double play was a highlight of scoring the game. But writing three numbers in a program doesn’t quite hold today’s imagination in the same way. May I suggest, instead of numbers, they use emojis? Thus, the rare, coveted, 1-2-3 double play would be scored as a fist, rainbow, poop.

Players used to fill the abundant downtime in baseball by chewing tobacco. These days they chew gum. An updated version would give the players fidgets! These gadgets are all the rage with the 10-year-old set, which is exactly the demographic baseball is losing. Alternatively, players could fill the time scrolling on their phones. We’d get a glimpse into what the players are interested in, and the players could keep up with other, more interesting goings-on.

Or we they just add a dunk tank, bouncy castle, and a concession stand – on the field.

These are just suggestions. Peanuts and Cracker Jacks aren’t bringing ‘em back. Some, I understand, don’t care if they ever come back. But perhaps the inevitable decline of baseball was simply preordained when the sport labeled itself the national pastime? I’ll let the historians parse the details. For now… Play Ball!