Bare Bones

 

Night. In the back alley of a community theater, Rob waits patiently until finally, from within, a skeleton, SCOTT, emerges. Scott is approximately 206 bones. He’s wearing trousers, a sport coat, and a scarf.

ROB: You must be Scott.

SCOTT: In the flesh. (off Rob’s look) –It’s just an expression.

R: Good to meet you. Let’s jump right in. I, um, well, I have a bone to pick.

S: You and me both, brother.

R: I mean, how does it work? How do you even move?

S: I have no idea, man. As you can see, I have no muscles, so I really have no business getting around. Maybe it’s magic? I dunno, man. I try not to ask too many questions. My whole life I was wrestling with: Why am I here? And now I can’t help but wonder: Why am I still here?

R: Maybe you can feel it… in your bones?

S: There are no nerves in bones. So, no, I cannot feel it. That said, I’m an actor. (pulls out a cigarette, lights it, starts smoking) So I feel more than most.

Bob and Murray, weary-eyed after a long day of watching the antics of Seagulls. “I’m telling you, Bob, Seagulls are just plain crazy!” Photo courtesy of Katie Mumm

R: We can come back to that. What do you miss most about not having a body?

S: Hmm. I did have a good head of hair.

R: I thought some skeletons had hair?

S: I did too. But turns out that human hair is attached to the scalp, not the skull. So that’s just a Hollywood myth. That said… I probably miss my skin most of all. Did you know the skin is the biggest organ in the body? R: I think I did hear that. So, in general – do you like being a skeleton?

S: Pros and cons? Pros… I’m finally ready for swimsuit season. Cons… A swimsuit full of bones is not a great look.

R: I didn’t know skeletons wore… clothes.

S: Well, when I first… thinned out, I went commando. It was very freeing. But then I realized, talking to people, they just look right through you. Literally. Which is normal in Los Angeles, but I didn’t like it. So, I threw on a sport coat, problem solved.

R: Interesting.

S: And also, pockets. You gotta have pockets. Where you gonna keep your loose change? Or phone?

R: You have a cell phone?

S: No. But if I did… Pros of being a skeleton? I can still give people the finger.

R: I don’t know if I can print that. Let’s talk bones. How do you take care of them?

S: Well, when I first… dropped the weight, I thought, hey, I gotta drink milk. But then I looked into it. Turns out that whole ‘milk is good for your bones’ is a lot of dairy industry messaging.

R: Really? S: Yes, calcium is good for your bones. And milk adds a lot of calcium to their product. But… turns out, dairy impedes absorption of calcium.

R: No kidding?

S: Look it up. So, the way skeletons take care of bones is with leafy greens. Kale. Broccoli. Not spinach, surprisingly. High impact sports are good for bone density. So I play tennis. I run.

R: Good tips. So… Halloween’s in the offing. I’m guessing there are a lot of opportunities for you this time of year.

S: There’s plenty of work to go around. Haunted houses are always hiring. But a lot of skeletons are, well, lazy bones. Maybe they’re afraid to work themselves to the bone?

R: Maybe they’re bad to the bone?

S: Or they’re just boneheads.

R: Hmm. Are there other opportunities? S: Well, medical schools are always hiring. But if you get into education – be careful. Because if you end up hanging in health class a junior high, there will be jokes at your expense, if you know what I mean.

R: I do. I have to ask… your thoughts on the funny bone?

S: No idea. It’s not a bone. It’s a nerve.

R: But is it funny? S: I guess it’s a little humorous.

R: Bone jokes! I was wondering when we were going to get to these. Any skeletons in your closet?

S: Yeah, me!

R: Ha! – Wearing a headset, A STAGEHAND pops his head out the back door.

Stagehand: We’re ready for you, Yorick.

Scott: Be right in.

Stagehand exits. Scott snuffs out his cigarette.

R: Are you doing Shakespeare?

S: Yes, I’m happy to be a small part of this local production of Hamlet.

R: You’re the… skull?

S: Stanislavski said there are no small parts, only small actors. Thus, I must excuse myself.

RP: Hey, Scott. Break a leg. Err, I mean–

S: I know what you mean. And I appreciate it.

Scott goes into the theater.