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Rob sits down with Barbara, a 6-year-old black bear, in her den.
ROB: I’ve been in a lot of dens, but
this is my first time in a bear’s.
BARBARA: I’m getting into hibernation mode, so let’s make this quick.
ROB: Well, then in the interest of
time, let’s go a bit rapid fire.
BARBARA: Let’s.
ROB: Are you familiar with (the
store) Build a Bear?
BARBARA: What’s that?
ROB: Do you like bear hugs?
BARBARA: Very much.
ROB: One awkward one to get out
of the way: Does a bear go in the
woods?
BARBARA: (sigh) Sadly, this is not
the first time I’ve been asked.
ROB: I’m sure.
BARBARA: I will answer your scatological, rhetorical and adolescent
question with a question: Are humans content with the merely clever
or do they aspire for more?
ROB: Fair enough. Are you a Chicago fan?
BARBARA: Da bears!
ROB: Any thoughts on the teddy
bear?
BARBARA: The stuffed animal you
refer to was named after a lifelong
friend to the natural world and
friend to all bears, Theodore Roosevelt. I’m happy to be associated with
him.
ROB: Should you poke a bear?
BARBARA: I can tell you – when I
poke a bear, and I’m a bear, I immediately wish I hadn’t.
ROB: So, let’s get into the thing that
people really want to know about.
BARBARA: Lets.
ROB: You have a superpower.
BARBARA: I do.
ROB: The thing you’re best at is…
BARBARA: –Swimming.
ROB: I was going to say sleeping.
BARBARA: Oh. I see. You sure you
don’t want to talk about my swimming? Because I love swimming. I’m
a strong swimmer. Sure, I swim for
food, but I also swim for pleasure.
Sometimes I’m just out there doing
the backstroke.
ROB: That sounds really nice but…
my readers want to know about your
sleep.
BARBARA: I assume you’re referring
to hibernation.
ROB: I am. How long do you sleep?
BARBARA: It depends on the
climate. In northern Minnesota,
I’m usually out cold for about six
months. Sometimes I hit “snooze”
and it’s seven, but it’s related to food.
It’s next to impossible to find a good
meal in the winter so I prefer to sleep
through it.
ROB: What can you share with my
readers about your secrets to sleep?
BARBARA: Look, there are no
secrets. There’s nothing you haven’t
heard before. Cozy pajamas. A nice
cool temp in the den. My Sleep
Number 360 Smart bed. I don’t
eat close to bedtime. I try to really
watch–
ROB: Wait- Did you say you sleep in
a… bed?
BARBARA: Of course. I also take my
sleep hygiene seriously.
ROB: What is that, like, wash your
face before bed?
BARBARA: No. Sleep hygiene is
about the ritual before bed. I stop
drinking coffee late summer.
ROB: I see.
BARBARA: If I get enough exercise
foraging in the Spring, Summer, and
Fall, I sleep better.
ROB: So, exercise is important.
BARBARA: Very. Sometimes I relax
with a warm mug of chamomile tea.
But I don’t have it right before bed or
I pee all winter.
ROB: Makes sense.
BARBARA: The next thing is no
screens. And the most important
thing is–
ROB: Wait, what? No screens?
BARBARA: I stay away from all
screens before bed.
ROB: Can I read an email on my
computer? (Bear shakes head) Can I
check Twitter on my phone?
BARBARA: Is your phone a screen?
ROB: What about Netflix?
BARBARA: No screens!
ROB: Um, okay, Ms. No Fun Bear.
So, what do you do in bed?
BARBARA: I cuddle up with a good
book.
ROB: Oh. Ah. Books, huh. Like,
magazine books or…
BARBARA: Winding down books. I
really like A. A. Milne.
ROB: That’s a bit on the nose, but
okay.
ROB: Is there any wiggle room on
that “No screens” thing?
BARBARA: For me, the hardest
thing to do before sleep is to quiet
the mind. People complain about
mulling over their day. Well, I worry
about spring-summer-fall. Once I
tossed and turned for the better part
of November.
ROB: But it sounds like you figured
it out.
BARBARA: Now I sleep like a, well,
like a bear. The secret is focusing the
mind on one thing. Not last season.
Not next season. Just here. Just now.
ROB: And what, pray tell, do you
think about in the here and now?
BARBARA: Honey.
ROB: I should have guessed.
BARBARA: I really like honey. Life’s
hard: food; shelter; mates. But something like honey… Well, it’s just goes
down easy.
ROB: I think it’s rather sticky.
BARBARA: And I think my time is
up.
ROB: I just have a few questions left
if you’re…
BARBARA: I couldn’t bear to go on.
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