Are we in a pickle?

 

There is a craze sweeping the nation. People of all ages have flocked to this, um, well, I would call it an activity or a game, but others call it a sport. So, we’ll call it a sport, I guess. It is an unlikely craze. This sport has been around since 1965 but it’s been growing in the last decade. Some are even betting big on it. So, it’s time we consider, sigh, pickleball.

Let me be clear. I don’t want to consider pickleball. I should have better things to consider. Like profound philosophical questions like if god is all powerful can he create a stone that’s too heavy for god to lift and what’s for dinner. But nooo. Instead, I consider pickleball.

Usually, I wouldn’t bother with this sort of thing but I’m a tennis player (I played in college) and on multiple occasions, after I come off the court, pickleball evangelists are trying to convert me. The first rule of fight club is you do not talk about fight club. The first rule of pickleball, on the other hand, is you always talk about pickleball.

I do not want to compare tennis to pickleball. That would be like trying to compare Joyce’s Ulysses to The Family Circus. It would be an unproductive comparison. Instead, let’s consider pickleball on its own merits and shortcomings.

Some things in this life are hard, require patience, dedication, and perseverance. Not pickleball. You can pick up pickleball in a few minutes. The rules are simple. You play on a court that’s about a quarter of the size of a tennis court, over a net that’s a few inches shorter than a tennis net. You use paddles instead of rackets and the ball is basically a heavy whiffle ball.

Megan Charity, a professional pickleball player says: “Pickleball is like ping pong on steroids. Imagine standing on a life-sized ping pong table. That’s what it feels like.”

So “ping pong on steroids” is all the rage, the hottest sport in America, sweeping the nation! Even Fortune magazine talks about the “Pickleball Gold Rush”!

Look, I’ll play pickleball with my kids who can rally without one lesson. (One aside for people who don’t speak racket sports. When you hit it back and forth, this is a rally, NOT a “volley”.) I have good pals who enjoy pickleball. I’ll play with them a few times a year. I’ll even enjoy it. But don’t ask me to love it. I won’t. Don’t try to convert me. It’s not gonna happen. Ever. Here’s why:

One: Pickleball is annoying. In pickleball you have to call out three scores but there’s only two teams! Why man, why?

Two: “Pickleball is more exercise than shuffleboard” might be a good slogan for the sport. But let’s face facts. Pickleball is just not that much exercise. Most people play doubles so they have to cover 1/16th of the ground you would cover on a tennis court. Also, unlike tennis, you don’t have to actually move your feet to hit a clean ball. The people who claim they get more exercise playing pickleball than in tennis cannot actually play tennis. So, let’s be clear: pickleball is more exercise than not playing tennis.

Three: The worst part of pickleball is the SOUND. When a paddle hits the pickleball it makes a loud, unsatisfying, hollow, DONK! It’s not THE most annoying sound ever but it’s up there. Top twenty for sure. And because the court is relatively small, you can enjoy the rapid-fire DONK DONK DONK DONK for the entirety of the point. If you’re at a block of pickleball courts then you’re going to enjoy that DONK nonstop, without respite. If you google pickleball noise complaints, you’ll see I’m not the only one with no love for this sound.

Is pickleball here to stay? Is it a fad?

According to Bahram Akradi, CEO of Lifetime Fitness, “It’s my belief that pickleball will be the largest participatory sport in the U.S. eventually.” Maybe. But you know what also swept the nation? Racquetball. Do you want to own a block of racquetball courts now?

Look, pickleball is perfectly amusing activity for those without the strength, speed, footwork, balance, timing, patience, and coordination required for tennis. Again, I’m really not trying to compare tennis to pickleball. That would be like comparing a Picasso’s Guernica to The Family Circus. The world is absolutely big enough for both.

But Dear Pickleball Evangelists, by all means, enjoy your pickleball. I’m happy you love it. I’m glad it’s bringing people joy. Again, I’ll even enjoy playing pickleball a few times a year with you. It’s an amusing diversion. It’s cute. It reminds me a little bit of The Family Circus.